angels in waiting.

i thought of you this morning when i woke and i didn't see your beautiful face and hear you telling me to "snatch up a cinnamon role before they were gone". i always thought it was amazing how you could wake up hours ahead to bake for your family before they even woke.i thought of you today.  i thought of you this morning and how you always smelt like jergens cherry almond lotion and chanel number five.  it was a flash back to last night when i wore a sweater of yours that still smelt like you...i knew you were there but sooo far away. it broke my heart for but a moment.  i thought of you this morning wishing that you were in heaven sipping coffee around a tree with your mother and loved one's past. i found a sense of comfort knowing that you are not alone...the pain lingered for a few seconds only to finish with a smile on my face because i know with all of my heart that you were doing exactly that. i thought of you celebrating Jesus's birthday up there among the clouds, drinking wine, and having a grand ole time. the one day of the year that your cheeks got red when you started to get a little tipsy.  i can picture you up there in heaven wearing a cooking apron baking a two layer birthday cake like you did for us every year on our birthday. i thought of you today when i saw a picture of two doves on a christmas tree. i thought of your funeral last week when the doves were released, the sun came out, they flew in a circle above your tent and flew off as an ora of peace circled our family. i thought of what we would be doing today if you were still here. we would be sitting in your living room around a tree with white lights flooded with ornaments from years past with our names and presence left upon them. we would all be waiting patiently for our turn to open our presents then head to church for the christmas service. it was always the most beautiful one of the year when the organ played silent night in a candle light vigil sort of service.  a service where we all circled around the church singing silent night with happy faces rejoicing the son of God's birth. i thought of you this morning. i thought of you last night as we drifted off to sleep without going to church. it was a whole new scene, a group of all new faces, when all i wanted was a sense of comfort, a sense of home. i thought of you five minutes ago, an hour ago, and a second ago too. i'll think of you tomorrow and the the day after that. not a day will go by that i won't look back at the memories and miss you. the future moves on and i'll forever carry a piece of you in my wallet, in photos, but most of all in my heart. i miss you....may those new found wings take you everywhere you were never able to go and more. i know that you are looking down on me from above and thanking me for saying "i love you"...well gramma "i thank you too" for everything including loving me.

i'll find comfort in those last words you said to me. fly away home gramma. you are free <3

you're still an innocent

"it's alright just wait and see your string of lights is still bright to me. oh, who you are is not where you've been...you're still an innocent".

when i was little; i was extremely afraid of the dark. heaven forbid all hell would break loose if you closed my door without a night light or some light source.  my biggest fear was the monsters coming out from underneath my bed or behind the door; attacking me and taking me away to their world.  a world of things not so sweet, dragons and vampires, among other goulish creatures. it was always such a silly thing to believe in ( monsters of all things ). you think that i would have been afraid of real life things like car accidents, earth quakes, or breaking a leg but i wasn't. a simple light could cure all anxiety, chase monsters away, and make me giddier than a kid in a candy shop.  if only everything was as easy as getting excited over the little things.

i thought monsters were the least of my problems until i came across the term "cancer". such a savage beast it is, claiming lives faster than the term can even be diagnosed. there is not a day that goes by that i do not think about the loved one's that this disease has claimed and pray for those who are fighting it like world war three with enough strength and hope that they will beat it to the ground. hope, we all have hope and faith that once we get older that those monsters will disappear, diseases will have cures, and hearts will never be broken. we dream big because we believe. we are innocent among a world filled with evil things. evil things that throw curve balls at our feet and we have to make like walker texas ranger and kick the shit out of it before it can take it's full effect within us. if those curve balls aren't thrown though we wouldn't be as strong as we are today...

we recieved the call today; this could be it, the last flickering remnants of a once vibrant flame. there may not be another second, another minute, another hour, another day, another night, another year to spill those i love you's and share memories around the christmas tree or holiday feasts. the light is burning out, slowly but surely. i don't know what to say. i don't know how i should feel.  at times i feel like i am okay with it. that i can let go and be happy because i know that there is a better place for her among the clouds and other moments when i feel as though my heart is being ripped out and placed in front of the world to stomp on. of course, everyone has their opinion on how i should feel, how i should act, and what i should say. "everything happens for a reason", "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". all words that i take to heart on a normal basis but sting like a bee these past few months.  i feel one million things all at once.  this candle of pure goodness is whithering away and i want to strike a match one million times just to keep the flame going. to keep you around, to say i love you one more time, to take you everywhere you were never able to go. to sit at the table with you and do a 5000 piece puzzle one more time and play pass the pigs until i can't see straight like we did when i was little. i want to bake cookies with you and stand on a stool one last time while you recite to me the directions. i want to ride in the car with you to church and listen to bette midler of all people, just to be able to be near you one last time when you were happy. i want to remember your smile when we tell you a joke. i want to remember you just like this...your heart of honesty. your heart of innocence. no matter where you go, go with all of your heart.

"it's alright just wait and see your string of lights is still bright to me oh"; your light will always be the brightest to me grandma no matter where you go, you'll always be shining in my heart. i love you

after every storm, there is a rainbow

good morning,
i fell asleep last night dreaming of wonderful things and woke up super early this morning with a smile on my face. these are always the best mornings, the ones where everyone is still snuggled into their beds dreaming while i am wide awake, snuggled under my covers with my favorite minnie mouse mug filled with caffeine beside me,  writing.  all is quiet and well. it is the type of quiet that gives you a sense of clarity, a sense of peace, even if the silence lasts a minute, the ease seems to last the entire day. if i look behind me, i can see through a crack in my blinds, it is raining. for some reason, i have always loved the rain and had a firm understanding that no matter what obstacles we go through on a daily basis, when it rains, it cleanses all of the bad things away and sets the stage for better things to come. go ahead, call me a goof ball. i know that it is coming.  it is good to believe in something right?

last night as i was sitting in a traffic jam on the freeway, i gazed out the window as raindrops formed ther perfect little circular form and slid down my window ever so slowly. to my right  the side of the road was clouded with peoples unwanted food particles, hair rollers, tossed out cigarettes after someone had taken their last puff, even disregarded underwear. all things that you would not normally ponder to be on the side of the road. if i looked ahead, i could see my mom in the drivers seat, her boyfriend in the passengers seat, the windshield wipers going "whoosh whoosh" as they swiped the rain from the glass with a vengeance and cars for miles ahead. we were on "e", i had to be in class to present a project in less than 20 minutes, her boyfriend kept saying "don't get gas, i can make it for 100 miles on e in my truck:" and my mom talking back " this isn't your truck, this is a car and it is decieving". i knew we were going to be sitting there in that same spot for at least an hour. it was my last ten dollars, a three hour drive all together, but i wanted my mom to be able to see her boyfriend so i gave her the money. normally, i might get a little agitated sitting in the car with nowhere to go....especially since i needed to use the facilities but i didn't, not even once. i sat there singing jason aldean's "my kind of party", reba's new hit "on the radio" and various other new country hits, bouncing around in the back seat just as happy as can be. i remember briefly my mom telling me that i was "crazy" . i believe i shook my head in agreement or something of the sort and giggled it off as i continued singing and gazing out the window. i kept thinking that, that very traffic jam was a symbol of everything that we have been through this year from my grandma being diagnosed with cancer, from being told that there is nothing that they can do, to almost losing our apartment, being so broke that we rarely ever have food, among various other obstacles.  we have been through alot but as i sat there gazing out the window for what seemed like hours, i realized that we never complained about it. we got through it together. we always found a way to get through it no matter what and just like that traffic jam, it rarely seemed to move, slowly but surely we made it through traffic even if it took two hours longer than it was supposed too.  i may have been 45 minutes late to class, may have almost missed my presentation, may have almost ran out of gas on the freeway and almost had a close call with being stuck in a not so great part of town at a not so great hour but i made it to class, i did my presentation, we made it to the gas station, and all was well. if that isn't a sign of something greater then, i do not know what is.

i'll end this blog with a song that has helped me realize a lot of things...
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
its okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
but don't run out on your faith

'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

it's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
while you siting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else...
oh it sure makes everything else seem so small
- Carrie Underwood

so when you feel like all hope is gone just remember that after every storm, somewhere there is a rainbow...
i hope that you all have a blessed day,
mandi marie

fighting on the battlefield of love

Tonight; I just feel the need to write, to write until all of the words are drained from my clouded mind of illusions. Today was a beautiful sunshine filled day; abnormally warm for November. It was the type of day that you would see in a movie: shades of orange, red, and yellow still glaze the tree's, while some have fallen and given that typical "fall leave" affect, most are still intact like fall hasn't even left Ohio. There were older couples walking hand in hand as they smiled at their dogs that were picking up leaves in their mouth and crunching every so often while other people could be seen sitting on iron bench's with their loved ones having conversations about their day’s events. I watched all of this in wonder, as I often do. I constantly wonder if I will ever have a love or friendship as true as that elderly couple; you know the ones whose eyes light up every single time their loved one's name is mentioned or that person walks in the room. You know, that reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of love. A love that I know exists but has been too far for me to reach out my arms and grasp. I don't know what it is really, but every night I drift off to sleep dreaming about my days events, people that I have seen etc...and wake in morning only to day-dream about it again. it's sickening really, that I can't help but smile and be happy for those who do have that one person in their life who makes their heart beat faster and slower at the same moment; or maybe even more than one person. It is beautiful right? Or is it not? Sometimes I am so positive about things. More times than not, I know exactly what I want and need. However, there are other moments when I can't help but think "why was I so sure that this is what I wanted". it lasts for only a few seconds, but I can't help but question it further sometimes...because who stands there in front of someone waiting and waiting and waiting for them to show them some sort of affection, to be of some importance to that one person, or anything at all to them when it is obvious that they could care less? me, that is who...for some reason my mind tells my heart or the other way around that I need this person, that I cannot stop caring even if I tried...and so it goes...I keep giving and they keep taking and at the end of the day: I still feel as though every little crack and bump in the road with that person is worth it and nine times out of the ten, that pain given makes me love, want, and need their presence even more. Call me crazy; that is probably what you are thinking, maybe I am. Sometimes I just wish that I meant even half as much too some people as they mean to me. Is that selfish? Maybe so, I think everyone deserves to know that they are loved and cared for.

Today as I was watching movies from the eighties such as uncle buck, pretty in pink, and

footloose; i felt like a kid again. A little girl wearing pink pajama's, with her hair a mess, propped

in front of the TV grinning from ear to ear.  I watched them for the first time without the feeling

of envy over their perfect relationships. I was happy, happy for the characters, happy for me.

 I felt like I was a young girl again who was untouched by the cruelty side of love. A

girl who only knew that love was that hug before bed, the warmth of a parents hand as she

crossed the street and the "good morning" when she woke. I didn't think about being lonely,

having one million or more things to do this week, how I was going to pay the bills next month,

or the constant reminder that my grandma may not be here much longer. It was different, quiet,

innocent. I was relaxed. Honestly, I didn't know how good relaxation could feel. Of course, it

lasted but for a short period of time but I would not change it for the world. I actually started to

think that maybe, just maybe there is still hope for me.

As soon as the movie was over, I went back to my normal anxious self worrying about the house being clean enough, my homework being done to my liking, making sure the laundry was done, the dog was fed and let out, So I ran, ran around like a chicken with it's head cut off for a few hours. Now here I am, writing, writing because I have all of these things in my head that I don't express out of fear. Writing to make sense of some things and let go of others. Writing because I can't stand, not doing something. Writing because at times it is all I can do to keep myself from crying. Yes, I am stressed ninety nine percent of the time but that other one percent of the time is beautiful. I find comfort and joy in the slightest things. I dance and sing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs into a hair brush at odd hours of the day. I dress up in silly hats and clothes to make people laugh in Wal Mart and various other places. I smile because it makes other people smile. I do things for others to make them laugh or to let them know that I care because I do care, more than anything. I love people. Someday I hope that people find me as worthy of love as I find them.

Goodnight Star Shines
- m.m.m.

let's make wishes out of airplanes...

hello darlings; i hope life is treating you well. 

when i was younger; i always used to sit outside by the side of the road and watch the airplanes fly thousands of miles above me with happy eyes. i always had this silly fantasy that someday, and somehow my fairytale person would come and sweep me off of my feet: taking me away from the monsters under my bed, the screaming oogie boogie man that i lived with; and so many other childish creatures that one is afraid of. it was always a silly dream; but i had hope; and i believed in it more than anything. so every single night; i would send wishes to those airplanes with hope that the planes would carry my secrets away from that heart shaped box and plant them inside of the heart that could treasure them, but more importantly the heart that could treasure me as much as i treasure them. the heart that could take over  the moon, dance on the stars, wishes on 11:11's, and airplanes. the heart that believes that valentines day is the best holiday ever; the heart that would sit and watch movies with me for hours, hold my hand when i am sick, would let me cook for them and not argue with me for spending money on them, the heart that lets me spoil the crap out of them and everyone that they love; the heart that  is beautiful without a stitch of make-up on, who loves to laugh and can be caught dancing around like a fool in the kitchen singing their favorite song, who isn't afraid to be barefoot or to get their feet wet; who dreams beyond their vision, who lets me play with their hair and doesn't get mad when i take too long in the store,the one who isn't afraid to share their feelings; who isn't afraid to get mad, who believes in me more than i believe in myself. the one who can act completely country and whip out a knife to open a bottle cap and then sing indie, rap, or even heavy metal at the top of their lungs in the car. that person who never forgets where their heart and home is. the one who isn't afraid for me to take their hand and take on the world together.

it was always a silly dream; one that i thought that i had let go of many years ago. however, last night as i was standing outside looking at the stars, i started to search out those airplanes. (it is kind of ironic because we do not live that far away from the airport). i stood there, watched them take off, and fly like they were weightless; so beautifully. after i watched three or four fly until they were out of my view, one unexpected person came to mind: one whole hearted, honestly "good" person that match's all of those dreams above and exceeds them : i started to think that if the rest of the world walked out and that one person was there for me, if that one person loved me; i wouldn't have to send those wishes anymore. i would be okay, happy even. then, i started to think that maybe i am crazy because that person could never feel the same, i barely know that person, but i feel at home when i am around them and i've never felt so safe. so then i started freaking out; i started telling myself that i probably shouldn't think that way but there i was sending that same damn wish towards the sky, in hope that maybe this could be true; maybe this person could be the one wish that wasn't a mistake....

if only i let the wish back in, let it be true;: if only this perfect person wasn't interested in someone else. you see, that is the way that it works: these silly wishes, they always come when people are free, i set them free towards the sky in hope that they will reach that free kind hearted individual that i would do anything for and i'll be damned if they do not just fly right past and land into the heart of another who captures my kind hearted individual, who tortures their innocence,  and turns them into something else, someone else. that is when my beautiful kind hearted individual becomes that monster under my bed. the one thing; i would do anything within my heart and soul to protect them from. so last night i sent my wishes with a prayer, a simple prayer so true to my heart...three simple words and i smiled to myself as i sent my wish to the airplanes and believed for once that it may just reach where it is supposed to go

with love, mandi <3

i didn't know it then but i know it now; he was saying i love you the only way he knew how.

good afternoon bloggers,

"He checked the air in my tires , the belts and all the spark plug wires. Said "When the hell's the last time "You had this oil changed"? And as I pulled out the drive. He said "Be sure and call your mom sometime" and I didn't hear it then but I hear it now. He was saying "I love you" the only way he knew how" - Bucky Covington.  you may wonder why i started this blog off with a song yet again; but i promise you will understand by the end of it.  when i was young; "i love you" was something my brother, sister, and i never heard. it was just three words reserved for special occasions and of course something you only said if you meant it deeply. therefore, there were no "goodnight princess or prince; i love you" moments as it reached seven thirty p.m. and we trudged down the hall into our bedrooms to say our prayers and drift off to dream land. the exact words were just "go to bed, if you know what is good for you"... our "father" has the hand of a hard worker and he used it to his advantage, callases and all; we knew better than to do anything remotely close to annoying to make him angry or we knew that belt across his waist would be used for a purpose. therefore, we grew up never really knowing how to express our feelings, how to show someone that we love them, it is possible that we never really even learned what love was until we were set free and on our own.

as i am sitting here thinking back to my first day of kindergarten. that five minute walk down the sidewalk with my pink backpack full of crayons and folders seemed so heavy as i trudged my way to school. one hand being held by my big brother, the other hand holding a purple barbie lunch pail full of gummy sharks. there were no pictures taken by our dad, no parent even there to walk me to school or visit the classroom...so i walked, walked with my brother, as tears streamed down my face; my heart was broken...i didn't want to go school. i remember telling my brother that i would be made fun of because my eyes were crossed and i had to wear those stupid glasses that took up half of my face. he took me by both hands, stood in front of me, wiped my tears and said "it'll be okay sis; i got this"...as the day went on i slowly started to get aquainted with people and thought to myself "hey this isn't so bad" until we got to recess. my brother was on the opposite end of the playground pretending to ignore me with his friends so i played in the sandbox alone until one of the older kids started bullying me, making fun of my holey jeans, cheap shoes, and of course my glasses.  i walked myself over to the swing, sat on it and cried and cried and cried. i remember feeling like it was the worst moment of my life until out of the corner of my eye i see my brother dragging a kid by his ear towards me saying "is this the boy who made fun of you?". i sniffled and shook my head yes, as my brother informed the boy that he better apologize and leave me alone forever more.  of course, the boy was shaking in his shoes; but he never bothered me again and my brother trudged back to his friends pretending to hate me, like he so often did. from that day forward my brother became my hero, i looked up to him for everything, i followed him everywhere even if he tripped me, called me names, made me cry, or threw soft balls at my face. i was his sidekick...he was my haven.

from then on he was the fixer of the scraped knees, the tattle tailor, the you hide, i won't seek player, the cheater of monopoly, the picker of the most hideous cars for my sister and i too jokingly drive when we were older, the informer to be home before dark, the person who made us different colored french toast and did our hair before we went to school. the one who made sure we ate, who made sure we matched, who threw cars at us, pretended to hate us, took us school shopping, played rain tapes, yes rain tapes to drown out the screaming of our father as we tried to sleep, our human alarm clock, the one who gave us our medicine and made sure our dad took us to the doctor when we were sick, the boy who dropped his friends to hold my hand on the first day of school so that i wouldn't have to be alone. he is the man my father never could live up to, the man who never ever let us go without the things that we needed even now.

so as i have went on to tell you about this story, you are probably thinking why is she writing about this...anyway, the past few months things in my life have went downhill....there were times when i didn't have anyone to count on, times when i did, and others when i felt like the only way to truly get things in order was to be completely alone. as i am sitting here alone on this friday afternoon; i am thinking about all of the things that have been happening lately...from being discouraged from learning how to drive by my mom, not having a phone, not knowing if i'll have a place to live tonight or even tomorrow, wondering how i am going to pay my bills, what is going to happen if this and this continues etc...i keep thinking back to this one day, not so long ago, when my brother came to visit. he handed me the keys to my car, said "get in; i'm going to show you how to drive" and that is exactly what he did...he had me drive around the complex for hours showing me where the break was, how to check my oil, when to turn on the lights, what mile per hour to go on certain roads, etc... until it was "too dark" as he put it. so i pulled into the driveway with a smile on my face. not only was i learning how to drive, my brother of all people was willing to teach me... he also offered me a place to stay, always, and five dollars to put in the tank incase it was used. he once again was there in my time of need, my unselfish, hero.

the next day he took me to auto zone to make sure that the check engine light that beamed across my dashboard was nothing serious seeing as he just put a new belt in (of course, he wasn't worried about me as he put it...just wanted to make sure all of the hard work he did worked right), he told me to pick out new rims for ronnie (my car), picked up some air conditioning free-on or whatever it is called,  and we hopped in the car to make our way back home. a ride in which he asked me "what color do you want ronnie to be?" i told him pink jokingly. he didn't say anything at first just hummed to himself as we eased our way closer to home he said "pink huh? pink it is...now make sure you aren't hard on the breaks, make sure to have the oil changed every three months" and so on...he knew i had no clue about car stuff, i'm a chick....i don't care what my rims look like etc...of course, he made a point to tell me that he was just worried about the car because he knows how hard my mom is on the breaks etc...

but before he left that day; heading back to new york, where he lives;  "he checked the air in my tires, the belts and all the spark plug wires. said "when the hell's the last time "you had this oil changed"? and as i pulled out the drive. he said "be sure and call your brother sometime" and i didn't hear it then but i hear it now. he was saying "i love you" the only way he knew how", as he pulled out of the driveway that day i said "i love you". he looked at me with a shocked expression on his face and for the first time in my life i heard the words "i love you too little sis"....i knew then, like i know now, that he will always be not only my big brother and my hero but the closest thing to a father that exists.

everytime i hear this song now on the radio; all i can think of is my brother, and his unselfish ability to be my hero and the greatest person i know.

--with love, mandi

the carnival rides are as empty as my broken heart tonight

good afternoon lovers,

let me start off this blog with a fragment from a keith urban song : " another long summer has come and gone. i don't know why it always ends this way. the boardwalk is quiet and the carnival rides are empty as my broken heart tonight...but then i close my eyes and one more time we're spinning around and you're holding on tightly. the words came out, i kissed your mouth. no fourth of July has ever burned so brightly. you had to go, i understand, you promised you'd be back again. so i'm frozen in this town until summer come's around".

as i have took the time to carefully type out what i just did, you are probably wondering why i started this blog off this way. well, ever since i was a young child, i have had the heart of a hopeless romantic and carnivals have always been a big part of my summer festivities. i used to dream of that summer romance that would leave me wanting every summer to turn out the exact same way. you know the fairytale, sitting beside each other on the ferris wheel, sharing cotton candy, walking hand in hand through the lights, staring at the stars, and wanting the night to last on and on and on. it's that feeling of bliss; the feeling of knowing that you are wanted in good company just as much as you want that person around.  it is the feeling of a joy ride in which, you never want to depart. every summer, i wish for the same thing, just for one moment like the first summer that i felt that state of bliss during the summer of two thousand and eight. yes, i felt that feeling, though it was short - lived, it plays over and over in my mind like it was yesterday when summer comes around.

i have always been told that i am a dreamer, that i have a way with words that other's do not possess. a way of making others feel as though they are sitting next to me even though they are a million miles away. i was once imformed that i am a shooting star that if caught, one should keep. yes, i dream big, possibly to big for me to fulfill. however,  i've never been able to see that side of me, the one that others say is there, the side where people tell me that "i deserve far more than they could give me". yes, i've heard that line my fair share, more than a time or two. at times, just that statement let along can break my heart into one thousand fragile pieces. i believe in love, with all of my heart and soul...more than likely, far too much.

i felt that state of bliss this summer, if only but a moment, and i wouldn't trade it for the world or even one thousand adoring words written on paper napkins. every single night since then as i am laying in my leopard print bed re - playing the days events; this song comes to mind. it is like i am in a dream where i am wide awake. it is like i am on that ferris wheel spinning around and around and around waiting for that person to show up, show that they care, to prove my theory that "i just simply cannot be loved" wrong. to take my hand and never look back, showing me that i am not alone. so every night i wait, i force myself to stay awake just so that i can see 11:11 time stamped upon my clock so that i can send another wish to the moon. then i wait, wait patiently to see if my phone will ring or a text message will pop up suddenly out of nowhere. i dream big, possibly far too big for one's own good.

although, my summer events did not consist of carnivals, fairs, or any other type of fun summer event that would leave me breathless and hoping for more this year....i still believe that you are out there, somewhere, riding among the stars and i wait patiently all summer long, autumn, then winter, then spring, and i count the days until you might come back.

with love, until next time
-mandi-

sleep on it....

good morning friends,

sleep on it...that is what i tell myself when my world is morphing sideways in all directions. sleep on it, such a simple saying said by so many people to others when they are upset and will probably spit words that they do not mean to another. sleep on it, something i so often tell my nephew when he is kicking the wall in a six year old fit telling me he hates me one minute and comes back later, climbs in my lap, tells me he loves me and wants me to read him a story.  if only relationships of any kind could be the same, it would be sooo easy, so easy to give in to the happiness....however, i'm guarded? guarded so much that i can't let anyone in. if i feel that they are being nice to me, it's suspicious.

as i was standing outside of college last night waiting for my ride, i was looking at the sun as it set. it was such a beautiful night, light breeze, mid seventies, with a purple sky. it made me emotional. i watched as parents from the karate studio hugged their children and told them "good job" after they ended their lessons and students from college hugged and kissed their loved ones as soon as they got out. i thought about how great it must feel the whole way home. then i got home and it was the same situation as always. my mom was on the couch giggling and talking to her boyfriend in a different tone as my sister was on my computer, all smiles, web cam chatting with her girlfriend. then there was me, alone, heartbroken  almost because i watched this in wonder and read myself to sleep.

it took me seeing all of this to start realizing everything. everything that was missing yet somehow there too? moments like...why did i start to get jealous when this person talked to someone else? why did it crack my hearts surface when this person lied to me? why did the promises hurt when broken? why did i want to squeeze this person with all of my might in a hug before they left? why am i scared shitless to lose this person? etc...the list goes on...it was a smack in the face...yes, this may sound infantile but it took seeing that much too realize just how much i care for a certain person. i think i'm falling, falling into the abyss of "like", and to be quite frank i'm scared shitless of rejection. therefore, like i advise my nephew on a regular basis, i slept on it and realized the risk of losing someone you care about over takes, the idea of taking that leap. i would rather be something, anything, than nothing at all.

moving on now, my sister has always been the bubbly, out - going, social butterfly that everyone and i mean everyone is attracted too. people have always became close to me to get close to her. i have always thought for the most part that this wasn't the case because honestly, i did not want to believe it.  however, as i go down my list every day on facebook, myspace, etc...almost every single person on my list messages me asking how my sister is. it doesn't normally bother me, i answer them, tell them she is fine because yes, my sister and i are closer than peanut butter and jelly, we have most of the same friends but when it gets to the point where people only talk to me to get answers about her....it starts to hurt...and i start to wonder....are they really even my friends? i'm not really sure who my friends are anymore. maybe, that is the problem...

sooo as i am sitting here writing this...everyone is talking beside me, springer is on the tv, the dog is panting and the dryer is going. it feels nice to have one day where my world isn't filled with silence or the screams of "do this now for me", "damnit amanda marie, i need the money".  i often go to class early just to get away from the silence and partake in smiles as the passerby's laugh with their friends. yes, i am a geek, this makes me smile. often, the only people that don't want things from me are my class - mate friends like my friend megan who has been there for me through everything lately, like me, she doesn't expect anything in return. she has become one of my favorite people in the world these days. i'd do anything she asked me to and vice versa. i am thankful for the blessings that i have been given.

today, as the hard balls are thrown my way, i'll dodge every single one of them and later i'll sleep on it <3

"there comes a time in every life when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. so you'd better learn the sound of it. otherwise, you'll never understand what it is saying" - sarah dessen

goodbye for now,
mandi

sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare!?

i made the deans list for spring quarter at college. wow, i'm still shocked even thinking about it. i read the letter the first time, shook my head & then i had to set it down and read it again. there it was in bold black letters "congradulations, you've made the deans list". i didn't know whether to squeal, scream, jump, or dance. maybe, i should have done a mixture of all four. my heart filled with glee. it was like a rush of everything that i went through to get that far and excitement all in the same moment. then, i thought about how some people work their whole lives and do not get an ounce of recognition for it and thought to myself. "yeah, i did a great job but i shouldn't get a gold metal for it". those people serving our country, saving lives in hospitals, and doing research to cure diseases should be recognized with honor, not a silly college student. however, i am honored and blessed to have a piece of paper with "congradulations" and my name on it because someone out there thought that i deserve it.

i have been thinking alot today about my future. i at first set out in the psychological field to help kids but now, i am more interested in doing charity work. i would rather help people raise awareness for diseases and other things like the food pantry that helps so many people out without getting acknowledged. helping others is the one un - selfish most beautiful thing a person can do. i'd also like to start cake decorating classes. i've always had a fascination with making beautiful things for other people like wedding cakes, home - made cards etc....it makes me smile to know that i have made someone else smile. it is the single most greatest feeling a person can get knowing that they have made a difference in someone's life if even for a small moment.

i started out today with a bad attitude from being woke up to soon among other nasty situations. i admit, i was being "nasty"and said some things that i shouldn't have said, things that i don't mean. however, we all have our moments. my goal for today, is to continue helping others and keep a smile on my face. no matter what is going on in my life, i always think about how someone out there may have it worse. therefore, i should count my blessings and be happy <3

[p]opped my [h]eart [s]eeds on my [b]ubble [d]reams

for starters, hello folks, i am mandi :)

"i've never really been the type to ever let my feelings show. i was always told that being strong meant never losing your self control". (yeah, sounds like that rascal flatts song). this whole blogging about my life thing will be slightly hard for me. anyway,  i have always been a sucker for promises. to me they mean more than the slap of a pinky twisted within the hand of a friend, they mean commitment. they mean that you are willing to give up something insanely stupid that you have indulged yourself with for one un - selfish thing in life. that should be easy am i correct?  for some people it is like pulling teeth to keep anything remotely "committed" so why sign up for something so powerful? one particular promise has been broken in my life so many times that it is rediculous.  the promise to "love me for all eternity" who really promises to love for all eternity anyway? you can't, you love with all of your heart, depth of the ocean, the stars, the sky etc....you love the only way you know how. sometimes love changes. the people in it change, one may become irritable and intolerable while the other is clinging closer and loving with all of their heart. the same ole story we've all heard one million times, one heart holding on while the other is letting go. i have one thing to say to one person right now.....one who probably won't read this and that is just fine but "wherever you go love, go with all of your heart and depth of your soul"  i realized this morning as i am sitting on the sofa drinking my daily dose of caffeine to stay awake and feel something that maybe it isn't that people are selfish, it isn't that they want to hurt us by breaking things such as our hearts and promises among other things. maybe, it is just that they give and love us with all that they have and the only way that they know how.

on a brighter note; i saw this young boy standing outside shaking a rug, as i was sitting outside of college last night. i was waiting, i'm always waiting on something just never sure of what. i couldn't help but notice that he was all smiles as he shaked this rug with a vengeance. for some reason, i started to wonder if he was smiling because he was shaking the chaos out of his life or possibly that his life hadn't been tainted yet by love among other things. such innocence in his eyes as he smiled. it made me smile too. i was still smiling as i got in the car and headed towards "home". yes, i put that in quotation marks on purpose. home it is such a funny word anymore because i don't know where mine is. all i know is that i felt a piece of comfort for a few moments as "i didn't know it then but i know it now. he was saying i love you the only way he knew how" poured through our corollas speakers. it was a good form of comfort before i realized that when i got home, there was a slight chance that no one would be home and i'd have to spend the night alone like i've done so many many many times the past few months. however like that paramore song "i can't find the words to tell you that i don't wanna be alone". i can't find those words and i cannot fathom saying them and ruining whatever it is that one person and i do or don't have; crazy or not. all i know is that sometimes i wish that i could turn back the pages of my journal and find the page where "you and i" fit perfectly together. that is just a dream, just a silly dream.

"today is the tomorrow that we worried about yesterday". today is another puzzle piece that i need to aim for within my puzzle. today there is no reason to be sad, lonely, or out of place. today is a day when i smile because i deserve to even through the rain and muck. today is a day thanks to my dear friend amanda where i realized that it isn't me, it's them. today  i am going to continue to love with all of my heart strings, like no one is watching, care when no one else does, and give the only way i know how.  <3.

"There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls, and sometimes, all you need is one."





goodbye for now my loves,
mandi <3