sleep on it....

good morning friends,

sleep on it...that is what i tell myself when my world is morphing sideways in all directions. sleep on it, such a simple saying said by so many people to others when they are upset and will probably spit words that they do not mean to another. sleep on it, something i so often tell my nephew when he is kicking the wall in a six year old fit telling me he hates me one minute and comes back later, climbs in my lap, tells me he loves me and wants me to read him a story.  if only relationships of any kind could be the same, it would be sooo easy, so easy to give in to the happiness....however, i'm guarded? guarded so much that i can't let anyone in. if i feel that they are being nice to me, it's suspicious.

as i was standing outside of college last night waiting for my ride, i was looking at the sun as it set. it was such a beautiful night, light breeze, mid seventies, with a purple sky. it made me emotional. i watched as parents from the karate studio hugged their children and told them "good job" after they ended their lessons and students from college hugged and kissed their loved ones as soon as they got out. i thought about how great it must feel the whole way home. then i got home and it was the same situation as always. my mom was on the couch giggling and talking to her boyfriend in a different tone as my sister was on my computer, all smiles, web cam chatting with her girlfriend. then there was me, alone, heartbroken  almost because i watched this in wonder and read myself to sleep.

it took me seeing all of this to start realizing everything. everything that was missing yet somehow there too? moments like...why did i start to get jealous when this person talked to someone else? why did it crack my hearts surface when this person lied to me? why did the promises hurt when broken? why did i want to squeeze this person with all of my might in a hug before they left? why am i scared shitless to lose this person? etc...the list goes on...it was a smack in the face...yes, this may sound infantile but it took seeing that much too realize just how much i care for a certain person. i think i'm falling, falling into the abyss of "like", and to be quite frank i'm scared shitless of rejection. therefore, like i advise my nephew on a regular basis, i slept on it and realized the risk of losing someone you care about over takes, the idea of taking that leap. i would rather be something, anything, than nothing at all.

moving on now, my sister has always been the bubbly, out - going, social butterfly that everyone and i mean everyone is attracted too. people have always became close to me to get close to her. i have always thought for the most part that this wasn't the case because honestly, i did not want to believe it.  however, as i go down my list every day on facebook, myspace, etc...almost every single person on my list messages me asking how my sister is. it doesn't normally bother me, i answer them, tell them she is fine because yes, my sister and i are closer than peanut butter and jelly, we have most of the same friends but when it gets to the point where people only talk to me to get answers about her....it starts to hurt...and i start to wonder....are they really even my friends? i'm not really sure who my friends are anymore. maybe, that is the problem...

sooo as i am sitting here writing this...everyone is talking beside me, springer is on the tv, the dog is panting and the dryer is going. it feels nice to have one day where my world isn't filled with silence or the screams of "do this now for me", "damnit amanda marie, i need the money".  i often go to class early just to get away from the silence and partake in smiles as the passerby's laugh with their friends. yes, i am a geek, this makes me smile. often, the only people that don't want things from me are my class - mate friends like my friend megan who has been there for me through everything lately, like me, she doesn't expect anything in return. she has become one of my favorite people in the world these days. i'd do anything she asked me to and vice versa. i am thankful for the blessings that i have been given.

today, as the hard balls are thrown my way, i'll dodge every single one of them and later i'll sleep on it <3

"there comes a time in every life when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. so you'd better learn the sound of it. otherwise, you'll never understand what it is saying" - sarah dessen

goodbye for now,
mandi