for starters, hello folks, i am mandi :)
"i've never really been the type to ever let my feelings show. i was always told that being strong meant never losing your self control". (yeah, sounds like that rascal flatts song). this whole blogging about my life thing will be slightly hard for me. anyway, i have always been a sucker for promises. to me they mean more than the slap of a pinky twisted within the hand of a friend, they mean commitment. they mean that you are willing to give up something insanely stupid that you have indulged yourself with for one un - selfish thing in life. that should be easy am i correct? for some people it is like pulling teeth to keep anything remotely "committed" so why sign up for something so powerful? one particular promise has been broken in my life so many times that it is rediculous. the promise to "love me for all eternity" who really promises to love for all eternity anyway? you can't, you love with all of your heart, depth of the ocean, the stars, the sky etc....you love the only way you know how. sometimes love changes. the people in it change, one may become irritable and intolerable while the other is clinging closer and loving with all of their heart. the same ole story we've all heard one million times, one heart holding on while the other is letting go. i have one thing to say to one person right now.....one who probably won't read this and that is just fine but "wherever you go love, go with all of your heart and depth of your soul" i realized this morning as i am sitting on the sofa drinking my daily dose of caffeine to stay awake and feel something that maybe it isn't that people are selfish, it isn't that they want to hurt us by breaking things such as our hearts and promises among other things. maybe, it is just that they give and love us with all that they have and the only way that they know how.
on a brighter note; i saw this young boy standing outside shaking a rug, as i was sitting outside of college last night. i was waiting, i'm always waiting on something just never sure of what. i couldn't help but notice that he was all smiles as he shaked this rug with a vengeance. for some reason, i started to wonder if he was smiling because he was shaking the chaos out of his life or possibly that his life hadn't been tainted yet by love among other things. such innocence in his eyes as he smiled. it made me smile too. i was still smiling as i got in the car and headed towards "home". yes, i put that in quotation marks on purpose. home it is such a funny word anymore because i don't know where mine is. all i know is that i felt a piece of comfort for a few moments as "i didn't know it then but i know it now. he was saying i love you the only way he knew how" poured through our corollas speakers. it was a good form of comfort before i realized that when i got home, there was a slight chance that no one would be home and i'd have to spend the night alone like i've done so many many many times the past few months. however like that paramore song "i can't find the words to tell you that i don't wanna be alone". i can't find those words and i cannot fathom saying them and ruining whatever it is that one person and i do or don't have; crazy or not. all i know is that sometimes i wish that i could turn back the pages of my journal and find the page where "you and i" fit perfectly together. that is just a dream, just a silly dream.
"today is the tomorrow that we worried about yesterday". today is another puzzle piece that i need to aim for within my puzzle. today there is no reason to be sad, lonely, or out of place. today is a day when i smile because i deserve to even through the rain and muck. today is a day thanks to my dear friend amanda where i realized that it isn't me, it's them. today i am going to continue to love with all of my heart strings, like no one is watching, care when no one else does, and give the only way i know how. <3.
"There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls, and sometimes, all you need is one."
goodbye for now my loves,
mandi <3
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