you're still an innocent

"it's alright just wait and see your string of lights is still bright to me. oh, who you are is not where you've been...you're still an innocent".

when i was little; i was extremely afraid of the dark. heaven forbid all hell would break loose if you closed my door without a night light or some light source.  my biggest fear was the monsters coming out from underneath my bed or behind the door; attacking me and taking me away to their world.  a world of things not so sweet, dragons and vampires, among other goulish creatures. it was always such a silly thing to believe in ( monsters of all things ). you think that i would have been afraid of real life things like car accidents, earth quakes, or breaking a leg but i wasn't. a simple light could cure all anxiety, chase monsters away, and make me giddier than a kid in a candy shop.  if only everything was as easy as getting excited over the little things.

i thought monsters were the least of my problems until i came across the term "cancer". such a savage beast it is, claiming lives faster than the term can even be diagnosed. there is not a day that goes by that i do not think about the loved one's that this disease has claimed and pray for those who are fighting it like world war three with enough strength and hope that they will beat it to the ground. hope, we all have hope and faith that once we get older that those monsters will disappear, diseases will have cures, and hearts will never be broken. we dream big because we believe. we are innocent among a world filled with evil things. evil things that throw curve balls at our feet and we have to make like walker texas ranger and kick the shit out of it before it can take it's full effect within us. if those curve balls aren't thrown though we wouldn't be as strong as we are today...

we recieved the call today; this could be it, the last flickering remnants of a once vibrant flame. there may not be another second, another minute, another hour, another day, another night, another year to spill those i love you's and share memories around the christmas tree or holiday feasts. the light is burning out, slowly but surely. i don't know what to say. i don't know how i should feel.  at times i feel like i am okay with it. that i can let go and be happy because i know that there is a better place for her among the clouds and other moments when i feel as though my heart is being ripped out and placed in front of the world to stomp on. of course, everyone has their opinion on how i should feel, how i should act, and what i should say. "everything happens for a reason", "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". all words that i take to heart on a normal basis but sting like a bee these past few months.  i feel one million things all at once.  this candle of pure goodness is whithering away and i want to strike a match one million times just to keep the flame going. to keep you around, to say i love you one more time, to take you everywhere you were never able to go. to sit at the table with you and do a 5000 piece puzzle one more time and play pass the pigs until i can't see straight like we did when i was little. i want to bake cookies with you and stand on a stool one last time while you recite to me the directions. i want to ride in the car with you to church and listen to bette midler of all people, just to be able to be near you one last time when you were happy. i want to remember your smile when we tell you a joke. i want to remember you just like this...your heart of honesty. your heart of innocence. no matter where you go, go with all of your heart.

"it's alright just wait and see your string of lights is still bright to me oh"; your light will always be the brightest to me grandma no matter where you go, you'll always be shining in my heart. i love you