Tonight; I just feel the need to write, to write until all of the words are drained from my clouded mind of illusions. Today was a beautiful sunshine filled day; abnormally warm for November. It was the type of day that you would see in a movie: shades of orange, red, and yellow still glaze the tree's, while some have fallen and given that typical "fall leave" affect, most are still intact like fall hasn't even left Ohio. There were older couples walking hand in hand as they smiled at their dogs that were picking up leaves in their mouth and crunching every so often while other people could be seen sitting on iron bench's with their loved ones having conversations about their day’s events. I watched all of this in wonder, as I often do. I constantly wonder if I will ever have a love or friendship as true as that elderly couple; you know the ones whose eyes light up every single time their loved one's name is mentioned or that person walks in the room. You know, that reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of love. A love that I know exists but has been too far for me to reach out my arms and grasp. I don't know what it is really, but every night I drift off to sleep dreaming about my days events, people that I have seen etc...and wake in morning only to day-dream about it again. it's sickening really, that I can't help but smile and be happy for those who do have that one person in their life who makes their heart beat faster and slower at the same moment; or maybe even more than one person. It is beautiful right? Or is it not? Sometimes I am so positive about things. More times than not, I know exactly what I want and need. However, there are other moments when I can't help but think "why was I so sure that this is what I wanted". it lasts for only a few seconds, but I can't help but question it further sometimes...because who stands there in front of someone waiting and waiting and waiting for them to show them some sort of affection, to be of some importance to that one person, or anything at all to them when it is obvious that they could care less? me, that is who...for some reason my mind tells my heart or the other way around that I need this person, that I cannot stop caring even if I tried...and so it goes...I keep giving and they keep taking and at the end of the day: I still feel as though every little crack and bump in the road with that person is worth it and nine times out of the ten, that pain given makes me love, want, and need their presence even more. Call me crazy; that is probably what you are thinking, maybe I am. Sometimes I just wish that I meant even half as much too some people as they mean to me. Is that selfish? Maybe so, I think everyone deserves to know that they are loved and cared for.
Today as I was watching movies from the eighties such as uncle buck, pretty in pink, and
footloose; i felt like a kid again. A little girl wearing pink pajama's, with her hair a mess, propped
in front of the TV grinning from ear to ear. I watched them for the first time without the feeling
of envy over their perfect relationships. I was happy, happy for the characters, happy for me.
I felt like I was a young girl again who was untouched by the cruelty side of love. A
girl who only knew that love was that hug before bed, the warmth of a parents hand as she
crossed the street and the "good morning" when she woke. I didn't think about being lonely,
having one million or more things to do this week, how I was going to pay the bills next month,
or the constant reminder that my grandma may not be here much longer. It was different, quiet,
innocent. I was relaxed. Honestly, I didn't know how good relaxation could feel. Of course, it
lasted but for a short period of time but I would not change it for the world. I actually started to
think that maybe, just maybe there is still hope for me.
As soon as the movie was over, I went back to my normal anxious self worrying about the house being clean enough, my homework being done to my liking, making sure the laundry was done, the dog was fed and let out, So I ran, ran around like a chicken with it's head cut off for a few hours. Now here I am, writing, writing because I have all of these things in my head that I don't express out of fear. Writing to make sense of some things and let go of others. Writing because I can't stand, not doing something. Writing because at times it is all I can do to keep myself from crying. Yes, I am stressed ninety nine percent of the time but that other one percent of the time is beautiful. I find comfort and joy in the slightest things. I dance and sing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs into a hair brush at odd hours of the day. I dress up in silly hats and clothes to make people laugh in Wal Mart and various other places. I smile because it makes other people smile. I do things for others to make them laugh or to let them know that I care because I do care, more than anything. I love people. Someday I hope that people find me as worthy of love as I find them.
Goodnight Star Shines
- m.m.m.
No comments:
Post a Comment