good afternoon lovers,
let me start off this blog with a fragment from a keith urban song : " another long summer has come and gone. i don't know why it always ends this way. the boardwalk is quiet and the carnival rides are empty as my broken heart tonight...but then i close my eyes and one more time we're spinning around and you're holding on tightly. the words came out, i kissed your mouth. no fourth of July has ever burned so brightly. you had to go, i understand, you promised you'd be back again. so i'm frozen in this town until summer come's around".
as i have took the time to carefully type out what i just did, you are probably wondering why i started this blog off this way. well, ever since i was a young child, i have had the heart of a hopeless romantic and carnivals have always been a big part of my summer festivities. i used to dream of that summer romance that would leave me wanting every summer to turn out the exact same way. you know the fairytale, sitting beside each other on the ferris wheel, sharing cotton candy, walking hand in hand through the lights, staring at the stars, and wanting the night to last on and on and on. it's that feeling of bliss; the feeling of knowing that you are wanted in good company just as much as you want that person around. it is the feeling of a joy ride in which, you never want to depart. every summer, i wish for the same thing, just for one moment like the first summer that i felt that state of bliss during the summer of two thousand and eight. yes, i felt that feeling, though it was short - lived, it plays over and over in my mind like it was yesterday when summer comes around.
i have always been told that i am a dreamer, that i have a way with words that other's do not possess. a way of making others feel as though they are sitting next to me even though they are a million miles away. i was once imformed that i am a shooting star that if caught, one should keep. yes, i dream big, possibly to big for me to fulfill. however, i've never been able to see that side of me, the one that others say is there, the side where people tell me that "i deserve far more than they could give me". yes, i've heard that line my fair share, more than a time or two. at times, just that statement let along can break my heart into one thousand fragile pieces. i believe in love, with all of my heart and soul...more than likely, far too much.
i felt that state of bliss this summer, if only but a moment, and i wouldn't trade it for the world or even one thousand adoring words written on paper napkins. every single night since then as i am laying in my leopard print bed re - playing the days events; this song comes to mind. it is like i am in a dream where i am wide awake. it is like i am on that ferris wheel spinning around and around and around waiting for that person to show up, show that they care, to prove my theory that "i just simply cannot be loved" wrong. to take my hand and never look back, showing me that i am not alone. so every night i wait, i force myself to stay awake just so that i can see 11:11 time stamped upon my clock so that i can send another wish to the moon. then i wait, wait patiently to see if my phone will ring or a text message will pop up suddenly out of nowhere. i dream big, possibly far too big for one's own good.
although, my summer events did not consist of carnivals, fairs, or any other type of fun summer event that would leave me breathless and hoping for more this year....i still believe that you are out there, somewhere, riding among the stars and i wait patiently all summer long, autumn, then winter, then spring, and i count the days until you might come back.
with love, until next time
-mandi-
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
sleep on it....
good morning friends,
sleep on it...that is what i tell myself when my world is morphing sideways in all directions. sleep on it, such a simple saying said by so many people to others when they are upset and will probably spit words that they do not mean to another. sleep on it, something i so often tell my nephew when he is kicking the wall in a six year old fit telling me he hates me one minute and comes back later, climbs in my lap, tells me he loves me and wants me to read him a story. if only relationships of any kind could be the same, it would be sooo easy, so easy to give in to the happiness....however, i'm guarded? guarded so much that i can't let anyone in. if i feel that they are being nice to me, it's suspicious.
as i was standing outside of college last night waiting for my ride, i was looking at the sun as it set. it was such a beautiful night, light breeze, mid seventies, with a purple sky. it made me emotional. i watched as parents from the karate studio hugged their children and told them "good job" after they ended their lessons and students from college hugged and kissed their loved ones as soon as they got out. i thought about how great it must feel the whole way home. then i got home and it was the same situation as always. my mom was on the couch giggling and talking to her boyfriend in a different tone as my sister was on my computer, all smiles, web cam chatting with her girlfriend. then there was me, alone, heartbroken almost because i watched this in wonder and read myself to sleep.
it took me seeing all of this to start realizing everything. everything that was missing yet somehow there too? moments like...why did i start to get jealous when this person talked to someone else? why did it crack my hearts surface when this person lied to me? why did the promises hurt when broken? why did i want to squeeze this person with all of my might in a hug before they left? why am i scared shitless to lose this person? etc...the list goes on...it was a smack in the face...yes, this may sound infantile but it took seeing that much too realize just how much i care for a certain person. i think i'm falling, falling into the abyss of "like", and to be quite frank i'm scared shitless of rejection. therefore, like i advise my nephew on a regular basis, i slept on it and realized the risk of losing someone you care about over takes, the idea of taking that leap. i would rather be something, anything, than nothing at all.
moving on now, my sister has always been the bubbly, out - going, social butterfly that everyone and i mean everyone is attracted too. people have always became close to me to get close to her. i have always thought for the most part that this wasn't the case because honestly, i did not want to believe it. however, as i go down my list every day on facebook, myspace, etc...almost every single person on my list messages me asking how my sister is. it doesn't normally bother me, i answer them, tell them she is fine because yes, my sister and i are closer than peanut butter and jelly, we have most of the same friends but when it gets to the point where people only talk to me to get answers about her....it starts to hurt...and i start to wonder....are they really even my friends? i'm not really sure who my friends are anymore. maybe, that is the problem...
sooo as i am sitting here writing this...everyone is talking beside me, springer is on the tv, the dog is panting and the dryer is going. it feels nice to have one day where my world isn't filled with silence or the screams of "do this now for me", "damnit amanda marie, i need the money". i often go to class early just to get away from the silence and partake in smiles as the passerby's laugh with their friends. yes, i am a geek, this makes me smile. often, the only people that don't want things from me are my class - mate friends like my friend megan who has been there for me through everything lately, like me, she doesn't expect anything in return. she has become one of my favorite people in the world these days. i'd do anything she asked me to and vice versa. i am thankful for the blessings that i have been given.
today, as the hard balls are thrown my way, i'll dodge every single one of them and later i'll sleep on it <3
"there comes a time in every life when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. so you'd better learn the sound of it. otherwise, you'll never understand what it is saying" - sarah dessen
goodbye for now,
mandi
sleep on it...that is what i tell myself when my world is morphing sideways in all directions. sleep on it, such a simple saying said by so many people to others when they are upset and will probably spit words that they do not mean to another. sleep on it, something i so often tell my nephew when he is kicking the wall in a six year old fit telling me he hates me one minute and comes back later, climbs in my lap, tells me he loves me and wants me to read him a story. if only relationships of any kind could be the same, it would be sooo easy, so easy to give in to the happiness....however, i'm guarded? guarded so much that i can't let anyone in. if i feel that they are being nice to me, it's suspicious.
as i was standing outside of college last night waiting for my ride, i was looking at the sun as it set. it was such a beautiful night, light breeze, mid seventies, with a purple sky. it made me emotional. i watched as parents from the karate studio hugged their children and told them "good job" after they ended their lessons and students from college hugged and kissed their loved ones as soon as they got out. i thought about how great it must feel the whole way home. then i got home and it was the same situation as always. my mom was on the couch giggling and talking to her boyfriend in a different tone as my sister was on my computer, all smiles, web cam chatting with her girlfriend. then there was me, alone, heartbroken almost because i watched this in wonder and read myself to sleep.
it took me seeing all of this to start realizing everything. everything that was missing yet somehow there too? moments like...why did i start to get jealous when this person talked to someone else? why did it crack my hearts surface when this person lied to me? why did the promises hurt when broken? why did i want to squeeze this person with all of my might in a hug before they left? why am i scared shitless to lose this person? etc...the list goes on...it was a smack in the face...yes, this may sound infantile but it took seeing that much too realize just how much i care for a certain person. i think i'm falling, falling into the abyss of "like", and to be quite frank i'm scared shitless of rejection. therefore, like i advise my nephew on a regular basis, i slept on it and realized the risk of losing someone you care about over takes, the idea of taking that leap. i would rather be something, anything, than nothing at all.
moving on now, my sister has always been the bubbly, out - going, social butterfly that everyone and i mean everyone is attracted too. people have always became close to me to get close to her. i have always thought for the most part that this wasn't the case because honestly, i did not want to believe it. however, as i go down my list every day on facebook, myspace, etc...almost every single person on my list messages me asking how my sister is. it doesn't normally bother me, i answer them, tell them she is fine because yes, my sister and i are closer than peanut butter and jelly, we have most of the same friends but when it gets to the point where people only talk to me to get answers about her....it starts to hurt...and i start to wonder....are they really even my friends? i'm not really sure who my friends are anymore. maybe, that is the problem...
sooo as i am sitting here writing this...everyone is talking beside me, springer is on the tv, the dog is panting and the dryer is going. it feels nice to have one day where my world isn't filled with silence or the screams of "do this now for me", "damnit amanda marie, i need the money". i often go to class early just to get away from the silence and partake in smiles as the passerby's laugh with their friends. yes, i am a geek, this makes me smile. often, the only people that don't want things from me are my class - mate friends like my friend megan who has been there for me through everything lately, like me, she doesn't expect anything in return. she has become one of my favorite people in the world these days. i'd do anything she asked me to and vice versa. i am thankful for the blessings that i have been given.
today, as the hard balls are thrown my way, i'll dodge every single one of them and later i'll sleep on it <3
"there comes a time in every life when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. so you'd better learn the sound of it. otherwise, you'll never understand what it is saying" - sarah dessen
goodbye for now,
mandi
Thursday, August 12, 2010
sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare!?
i made the deans list for spring quarter at college. wow, i'm still shocked even thinking about it. i read the letter the first time, shook my head & then i had to set it down and read it again. there it was in bold black letters "congradulations, you've made the deans list". i didn't know whether to squeal, scream, jump, or dance. maybe, i should have done a mixture of all four. my heart filled with glee. it was like a rush of everything that i went through to get that far and excitement all in the same moment. then, i thought about how some people work their whole lives and do not get an ounce of recognition for it and thought to myself. "yeah, i did a great job but i shouldn't get a gold metal for it". those people serving our country, saving lives in hospitals, and doing research to cure diseases should be recognized with honor, not a silly college student. however, i am honored and blessed to have a piece of paper with "congradulations" and my name on it because someone out there thought that i deserve it.
i have been thinking alot today about my future. i at first set out in the psychological field to help kids but now, i am more interested in doing charity work. i would rather help people raise awareness for diseases and other things like the food pantry that helps so many people out without getting acknowledged. helping others is the one un - selfish most beautiful thing a person can do. i'd also like to start cake decorating classes. i've always had a fascination with making beautiful things for other people like wedding cakes, home - made cards etc....it makes me smile to know that i have made someone else smile. it is the single most greatest feeling a person can get knowing that they have made a difference in someone's life if even for a small moment.
i started out today with a bad attitude from being woke up to soon among other nasty situations. i admit, i was being "nasty"and said some things that i shouldn't have said, things that i don't mean. however, we all have our moments. my goal for today, is to continue helping others and keep a smile on my face. no matter what is going on in my life, i always think about how someone out there may have it worse. therefore, i should count my blessings and be happy <3
i have been thinking alot today about my future. i at first set out in the psychological field to help kids but now, i am more interested in doing charity work. i would rather help people raise awareness for diseases and other things like the food pantry that helps so many people out without getting acknowledged. helping others is the one un - selfish most beautiful thing a person can do. i'd also like to start cake decorating classes. i've always had a fascination with making beautiful things for other people like wedding cakes, home - made cards etc....it makes me smile to know that i have made someone else smile. it is the single most greatest feeling a person can get knowing that they have made a difference in someone's life if even for a small moment.
i started out today with a bad attitude from being woke up to soon among other nasty situations. i admit, i was being "nasty"and said some things that i shouldn't have said, things that i don't mean. however, we all have our moments. my goal for today, is to continue helping others and keep a smile on my face. no matter what is going on in my life, i always think about how someone out there may have it worse. therefore, i should count my blessings and be happy <3
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
[p]opped my [h]eart [s]eeds on my [b]ubble [d]reams
for starters, hello folks, i am mandi :)
"i've never really been the type to ever let my feelings show. i was always told that being strong meant never losing your self control". (yeah, sounds like that rascal flatts song). this whole blogging about my life thing will be slightly hard for me. anyway, i have always been a sucker for promises. to me they mean more than the slap of a pinky twisted within the hand of a friend, they mean commitment. they mean that you are willing to give up something insanely stupid that you have indulged yourself with for one un - selfish thing in life. that should be easy am i correct? for some people it is like pulling teeth to keep anything remotely "committed" so why sign up for something so powerful? one particular promise has been broken in my life so many times that it is rediculous. the promise to "love me for all eternity" who really promises to love for all eternity anyway? you can't, you love with all of your heart, depth of the ocean, the stars, the sky etc....you love the only way you know how. sometimes love changes. the people in it change, one may become irritable and intolerable while the other is clinging closer and loving with all of their heart. the same ole story we've all heard one million times, one heart holding on while the other is letting go. i have one thing to say to one person right now.....one who probably won't read this and that is just fine but "wherever you go love, go with all of your heart and depth of your soul" i realized this morning as i am sitting on the sofa drinking my daily dose of caffeine to stay awake and feel something that maybe it isn't that people are selfish, it isn't that they want to hurt us by breaking things such as our hearts and promises among other things. maybe, it is just that they give and love us with all that they have and the only way that they know how.
on a brighter note; i saw this young boy standing outside shaking a rug, as i was sitting outside of college last night. i was waiting, i'm always waiting on something just never sure of what. i couldn't help but notice that he was all smiles as he shaked this rug with a vengeance. for some reason, i started to wonder if he was smiling because he was shaking the chaos out of his life or possibly that his life hadn't been tainted yet by love among other things. such innocence in his eyes as he smiled. it made me smile too. i was still smiling as i got in the car and headed towards "home". yes, i put that in quotation marks on purpose. home it is such a funny word anymore because i don't know where mine is. all i know is that i felt a piece of comfort for a few moments as "i didn't know it then but i know it now. he was saying i love you the only way he knew how" poured through our corollas speakers. it was a good form of comfort before i realized that when i got home, there was a slight chance that no one would be home and i'd have to spend the night alone like i've done so many many many times the past few months. however like that paramore song "i can't find the words to tell you that i don't wanna be alone". i can't find those words and i cannot fathom saying them and ruining whatever it is that one person and i do or don't have; crazy or not. all i know is that sometimes i wish that i could turn back the pages of my journal and find the page where "you and i" fit perfectly together. that is just a dream, just a silly dream.
"today is the tomorrow that we worried about yesterday". today is another puzzle piece that i need to aim for within my puzzle. today there is no reason to be sad, lonely, or out of place. today is a day when i smile because i deserve to even through the rain and muck. today is a day thanks to my dear friend amanda where i realized that it isn't me, it's them. today i am going to continue to love with all of my heart strings, like no one is watching, care when no one else does, and give the only way i know how. <3.
"There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls, and sometimes, all you need is one."
goodbye for now my loves,
mandi <3
"i've never really been the type to ever let my feelings show. i was always told that being strong meant never losing your self control". (yeah, sounds like that rascal flatts song). this whole blogging about my life thing will be slightly hard for me. anyway, i have always been a sucker for promises. to me they mean more than the slap of a pinky twisted within the hand of a friend, they mean commitment. they mean that you are willing to give up something insanely stupid that you have indulged yourself with for one un - selfish thing in life. that should be easy am i correct? for some people it is like pulling teeth to keep anything remotely "committed" so why sign up for something so powerful? one particular promise has been broken in my life so many times that it is rediculous. the promise to "love me for all eternity" who really promises to love for all eternity anyway? you can't, you love with all of your heart, depth of the ocean, the stars, the sky etc....you love the only way you know how. sometimes love changes. the people in it change, one may become irritable and intolerable while the other is clinging closer and loving with all of their heart. the same ole story we've all heard one million times, one heart holding on while the other is letting go. i have one thing to say to one person right now.....one who probably won't read this and that is just fine but "wherever you go love, go with all of your heart and depth of your soul" i realized this morning as i am sitting on the sofa drinking my daily dose of caffeine to stay awake and feel something that maybe it isn't that people are selfish, it isn't that they want to hurt us by breaking things such as our hearts and promises among other things. maybe, it is just that they give and love us with all that they have and the only way that they know how.
on a brighter note; i saw this young boy standing outside shaking a rug, as i was sitting outside of college last night. i was waiting, i'm always waiting on something just never sure of what. i couldn't help but notice that he was all smiles as he shaked this rug with a vengeance. for some reason, i started to wonder if he was smiling because he was shaking the chaos out of his life or possibly that his life hadn't been tainted yet by love among other things. such innocence in his eyes as he smiled. it made me smile too. i was still smiling as i got in the car and headed towards "home". yes, i put that in quotation marks on purpose. home it is such a funny word anymore because i don't know where mine is. all i know is that i felt a piece of comfort for a few moments as "i didn't know it then but i know it now. he was saying i love you the only way he knew how" poured through our corollas speakers. it was a good form of comfort before i realized that when i got home, there was a slight chance that no one would be home and i'd have to spend the night alone like i've done so many many many times the past few months. however like that paramore song "i can't find the words to tell you that i don't wanna be alone". i can't find those words and i cannot fathom saying them and ruining whatever it is that one person and i do or don't have; crazy or not. all i know is that sometimes i wish that i could turn back the pages of my journal and find the page where "you and i" fit perfectly together. that is just a dream, just a silly dream.
"today is the tomorrow that we worried about yesterday". today is another puzzle piece that i need to aim for within my puzzle. today there is no reason to be sad, lonely, or out of place. today is a day when i smile because i deserve to even through the rain and muck. today is a day thanks to my dear friend amanda where i realized that it isn't me, it's them. today i am going to continue to love with all of my heart strings, like no one is watching, care when no one else does, and give the only way i know how. <3.
"There are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day, others are just now facing the truth. Some are evil men at war with good, and some are good struggling with evil. 6 billion people in the world, 6 billion souls, and sometimes, all you need is one."
goodbye for now my loves,
mandi <3
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