tonight its bottoms up.

Losing, it is not just something that happens during a game. it is something that pulls at your heart strings and makes you ache from head to toe. losing someone, even worse...it is something you never really get over. love is able to be lost. friendships are able to be lost. shoes are even able to be lost...losing love though is earth shattering. there is nothing worse than feeling like you may be losing the person who owns your heart. it is like sticking pins into a voodoo doll over and over again. each jab hurts just a little bit more than the last until you are completely covered with holes. holes that they don't produce patches big enough to fill.

i was thinking about this the other day....i would have married you had we stayed together....i would have honestly married you...

I cant make people stay in my life. it is like i am a magnet that people are drawn too and ever so quickly pull away from. what do i do that is so wrong?

when you pour your heart out to someone and you get nothing back, you stop pouring. you become numb. you stop trusting. you even stop believing in love.

i wanted you more.

every which way that i look, there are couples holding hands, smiling sweetly, kissing, cuddling, and opening up doors for one another. noticing these couples gives me a hint of a smile for a moment or so,  then i am overwhelmed with sadness that hits me like a ton of bricks because i miss every part of being loved and in love.  honestly, i never thought that i could fall head over heels so deeply in love within such a short period of time and shattered this much just as fast. i sit here at night pondering what i could have done to make time last for just a little bit longer in hope that one second may have changed your mind and caused you to love me just a little longer.  i have even sat up late at night thinking of way's that i could change who i am or who i was when we were head over heels to make you stay but i couldn't. i couldn't think of anything else that i could do to prove to you that i loved you.

je ne sais pas

i thought that maybe things would be different this time...sure i expected the occasional up and down roller - coaster effect but i never expected things to rewind back to four years ago when i was completely empty and alone...it's like the last three years were just pretend or maybe i am just crazy and there was never anything to begin with...but i feel it, i feel it in my heart that it just isn't so. i know there is something more or so it keeps telling me but i keep getting let down over and over again. so what if it is true and i am loved, will anything come out of it? i say this because i keep getting my hopes up and believing in that miracle & over time the stabs get a little deeper when nothing comes of it...i don't want to be be alone forever, i can't be alone forever, it's already breaking my heart into pieces...i never even had a chance with you did i? you told me once that i did and i believed you but you said you would never hurt me; you lied...i  just wish that love was a never ending situation & that their were only beginnings. i need you, more than you need you, and i hate even saying that because i'm normally not a needy person. i just know that every day i am screaming inside that "i love you". one minute i'm convient and you want me around the next i am an inconvenience and you don;t want me around....therefore, the ignoring comes into play...because sometimes it is better when nothing is said at all. i get that, i do it to, but it hurts even more not having a clue of what you did wrong.

what the fricken frack just happened?

it seems like everyone has their way of dealing with heartache. some people sleep on it with the belief that things will get better in the morning. they wake and drag their feet across the linoleum with fake smiles and giant mugs of coffee or liquor to get through the day. some people scream and shout and let it all out straight forward and feel guilty for being too harsh later on. all though, it is how they really feel. some people choose to ignore the pain; they let it sink back in their brain and let it leak out on a rainy day causing severe word jumble and misleading communication with the other person in the long. some people choose to shrug it off and let it eat them alive for months or years; in order to not cause problems...to not be a problem. these people, these  people like me. no matter how many times i have been pushed over in the past two years, i always seem to bounce back like nothing happened. i take the bullets for you while you put them through me.

when you left the toxic situation that you were in to save yourself. i thought that maybe, just maybe...we could have the chance that you say that you've always dreamed about. a chance to finally be us without someone trying to take it away from us. a chance to let go of all the scrutiny for being who we are. to be able to walk next to you without your loved one making rude comments towards you and i. for once, in a really long time, i felt free...free from the chains that were holding me down as well as the ones that were holding you. it was nice for the five minutes that it lasted.  i started to believe again,  believe in myself, and believe in us. in less than twenty four hours, i watched as you gradually picked up pieces of yourself that you had lost for so long and for the first time i saw you really smile and it melted my heart.  to see you do things that you love to do, just did it for me.  to even just dance to a song on the radio brought back so much of yourself that was missing for so long. the person that i knew for all of these years was finally back and i got the chance to notice how much i truly missed you. throughout the last four days, i realized how much of myself that i had lost and just found over the last year as well. to be able to even sit next to you without being judged is a world of relief.

last night, a little of that relief changed. you started yelling at me for not being able to play a game correct. you reacted the same way that he responds to you...that scared the shit out of me & when you told me that you two started talking again and  fear instantly struck my mind and latched my heart sucking my breath for a moment. my mind is telling me one thing but my heart is having a hard time trying to catch up. i cannot go through it again if it comes to that. i cannot be forced into your relationship without a helmet or a crash cart. i cannot be emotionally battered for both of us having feelings for one another. it is not fair on either party. i do not want to be the bad friend who cannot control her feelings and is forced out of your life...we both know it will get that far. it has before. no one should ever have to make a decision like you did. a decision that no matter what there is no win win. it hurts always being the one who walks away with a broken heart because you know that i won't leave you even if you asked me too. i'm petrified of losing you again. i know that you say that i won't but when it comes down to that...you have given me up twice to save your relationships. maybe, i don't mean as much to you as you say that i do...i have no clue...i just wish that you could talk to me but i understand that you can't physically bring feelings into words. i get that. i've been there. i guess what i am trying to say is that my biggest fear is losing you again.

i expect you to be sad, to lose your shit a little. i expect you to scream and shout and curse the ground you walk on.  i even expect you to shut people out a little.  your relationship was a huge part of your life for eleven months. i never expected you to take it lightly. no one ever would. it has been five days since you two broke up and you have come back into your own so much. five days and he has already had his mom suck you back in, in order for him to be sucked back into your life. i just hope it is for the better this time. no one deserves to be treated the way that you were treated. i don't care how old, how smart, how big you are. no one deserves to be shoved across the room and belittled for the thoughts that cross their mind. no one deserves to be lied too on any occasion. no one deserves to be forced not to eat because their loved one does not want to eat at a specific place or to find their loved one's ex's underwear in their bedroom drawer...just saying.

yes, maybe i am a little angry...confused more than anything. upset, yes. happy for you, definitely. i don't want you to have to go through that all again. i know it's your decision and i have no part in it. i just hope that you make the best ones for you in the long run.



goodbye for now my dear bloggers,
mandi

go where your heart takes you.

"go where your heart takes you"...

those exact words have shown up in my life in different places at least nine times in the last 48 hours since we last saw each other and the whole mess unraveled. you lied; you lied without reason to lie and you hoped. more like expected me to forgive you. you are forgiven. so this is me writing it all out for you. writing it all out because you convinced me that it would make a world of a difference if it was out there. out there for the world to see, everyone but you.  for the last two days since everything unraveled, i have felt lost...a piece of me feels lost somewhere in between the lies and your feelings towards me and  for another all at the same time. i instantly closed myself off to you. the trust, it vanished as easily as it came to me all those years ago. i honestly, do not know if you meant the words that you whispered to me all last week or the thumb beats of "i love you" against my skin as you held my hand. everything feels clouded. i wanted to scream at you and be upset with you but i couldn't, not even now, two days later.

i've spent the last six years pouring out feeling after feeling towards you hoping and praying that you would feel the same. you loved me first, or so i was convinced by yourself as well as others so it was easy for me to  open up and let you in. i've spent the last six years chasing your laughter with butterflies in my stomach every single time you said my name or told me you loved me. i held your hand for the first time last week because it felt right, perfect actually, like it was meant to be entwined in yours not to make anyone jealous or hope for wrong things. i was going along with my feelings, as were you or so i thought anyway. things were through with your relationship, you informed me. so were rode it out for a week; sharing feeling after feeling until you couldn't lie anymore. i became the joke and the lie came spilling out of your mouth like vomit. you lied the entire week when you said that you two were over. you want and have feelings for both. the only thing is, your love made you choose who was worth it....i guess i wasn't...again.

you would  think that i would be pissed beyond all recognition and want to hate you. you would think that i would not want to have anything to do with you after this but i do. it's six years, six chaotic yet beautiful years of friendship among other things that i am terrified to lose. the thought of losing you makes me tremble inside. so to explain the first sentence of this blog....my heart has been leading me to stay. stay through all of the chaos and work on our relationship, whatever that may be. to brush past the pain (which is alot, not going to lie) and fear and move forward. yes, it may break my heart to see you with someone other than me. yes, i probably will get a little snappy sometimes. yes, i may not want to hear about certain situations because they are to hard for me to handle at this moment but  please do not think for a minute that i do not care. i may get irritated. i may cry and i may even tell you i miss you more often because i do. bare with me. not going to lie, i have been frustrated. i do not understand the point. i understand that you are confused and that things are so damned confusing for you right now. i just don't see how you can be in love with two entirely different people in general at the same time. i mean i kind of do, to an extent. i am just worried that at some point you will cut me out entirely. so i keep pushing forward, following my heart because i need you in my life like i need air. you are a huge part of my life and you may not believe me but i forgive you.

train wreck

this morning..
you: "i'm in love with you. i don't want to lose you again. i can't. i did it once, i won't do it again. we will both be miserable. it will kill me."

this evening...
"i don't want to lose you or him. the last thing i wanted to do was break your heart again...i think that we need to let go of one another"

me: "do you really want us to let go of one another?"
you: "no, but i can't keep hurting you like this. give me two weeks to figure stuff out..."
me "no, you are doing it all over again. you are breaking up with me...aren't you?"
you: "i don't want to not talk to you. i don't think that i can not talk to you. i want us to still be friends"...
silence....you: "in 6 years i have never seen you cry until now"...as you start sobbing.


a silent car ride to your house...we walk up the stairs to get my stuff as you stand by the door sobbing. you didn't help me once. you stood there silent until i walked out of the door with my stuff.  in the car, silent....the wind shield wipers are going across the window at a lightning speed pushing the rain away...as tears stream down my face. "two weeks, i say" you nod...another ten minutes in the car, silent as i watch the rain through the window. i can hear you sobbing as we pull into my driveway...i hesitated  opened the door and stepped out into the rain. opened the back door, grabbed my stuff. said goodbye and thank you...and made the lonely trip into my house where i fell to my knee's as soon as i opened the door. sobbing like a child. i never thought that i would come this far. i  never thought that you would choose another relationship over our friendship. you promised me...you promised this time that you would stay. i didn't want this. i do not want this. i want to go back to last night when my head was in your lap as you were playing with my hair while watching a movie. i want to go back to yesterday's conversation. i want to start all over. i promise i would change things. i promise i would make it work even if it means having to spend time with him. i don't want this door to be closed again.

crazy little thing called love.

without suffering, there would be no compassion. without a lighter to light your candle, there will be no flame. no spark. nothing to initiate that adrenaline related emotion pulsating through your veins. without suffering, we would never realize what is the most meaningful to us in our lives, what we have lost or if there is any type of future related to the situation. it is almost always touch and go. should (i) take the risk? is it worth the potential downfall that it may bring? if i decide to jump, am i going to fall into your abyss of the unknown? if i trust in you, is there going to be an invisible knife attached to your hand behind your backside once again? if i see your face and your hands intertwined with another's am i going to cry one thousand tears for every broken promise and un-met expectation. probably. is it worth it? who know's. am i tempted? why, of course. there is not a moment that i would take back the time that i was forced to spend alone. losing someone that i love was one of the hardest things that i have been through so far. there was the question of, how could someone that declares their love for you and undying devotion to stay in your life just walk away? how could this person who know's your whole life story and can finish what you are going to say before you say it just leave without any explanation. putting everyone else before you. there just is not an explanation. it just happens. it breaks your heart. you want to cuss someone out. you want to punch a few walls. you want to hunt people down and scream in their face for pushing the one that you love away but you won't. you don't have the strength to do so. you also, do not have the heart to break the person that you love's heart. so you pretend to be happy. you pretend until it becomes real. months go by and each day get's a little easier. you don't have as much of an urge to pick up the phone and dial that number that you have memorized in your brain because you know that it won't fix the situation and you will just feel like crud if you just so happened to get an answer. at time's you may want to lay in bed all day with the blanket over your face and sob uncontrollably without interruption but you suck it up. you become a stronger person. wall's are built slowly, an incredible force to shield future pain. trust becomes a gift that you keep until someone truly deserves it. your time becomes more precious towards people who have been there through thick and thin. time in general just becomes more precious. & when you see that person again; it is a rush of emotions. it is like falling in love all over again. you will do anything and everything to protect this person. everything that happened. the knives in your back...well, they disappear and a weight is lifted knowing that you had enough strength to forgive. to let go and let God. you will do anything to keep that person in your life. you will even risk the thought that they may leave you again because none of it matters. you love this person and they may not love you the way that you want them too or they may not even love you at all but it is there and you will take suffering over losing them. even if it means being friends or not being as much of a part of their lives as you were. it is worth it. they can shatter every piece of your heart and you will find a way to bounce back. crazy little thing called love. therefore being said, without suffering there would be no compassion and if love was easy, it would not be worth the fight. .