train wreck

this morning..
you: "i'm in love with you. i don't want to lose you again. i can't. i did it once, i won't do it again. we will both be miserable. it will kill me."

this evening...
"i don't want to lose you or him. the last thing i wanted to do was break your heart again...i think that we need to let go of one another"

me: "do you really want us to let go of one another?"
you: "no, but i can't keep hurting you like this. give me two weeks to figure stuff out..."
me "no, you are doing it all over again. you are breaking up with me...aren't you?"
you: "i don't want to not talk to you. i don't think that i can not talk to you. i want us to still be friends"...
silence....you: "in 6 years i have never seen you cry until now"...as you start sobbing.


a silent car ride to your house...we walk up the stairs to get my stuff as you stand by the door sobbing. you didn't help me once. you stood there silent until i walked out of the door with my stuff.  in the car, silent....the wind shield wipers are going across the window at a lightning speed pushing the rain away...as tears stream down my face. "two weeks, i say" you nod...another ten minutes in the car, silent as i watch the rain through the window. i can hear you sobbing as we pull into my driveway...i hesitated  opened the door and stepped out into the rain. opened the back door, grabbed my stuff. said goodbye and thank you...and made the lonely trip into my house where i fell to my knee's as soon as i opened the door. sobbing like a child. i never thought that i would come this far. i  never thought that you would choose another relationship over our friendship. you promised me...you promised this time that you would stay. i didn't want this. i do not want this. i want to go back to last night when my head was in your lap as you were playing with my hair while watching a movie. i want to go back to yesterday's conversation. i want to start all over. i promise i would change things. i promise i would make it work even if it means having to spend time with him. i don't want this door to be closed again.