go where your heart takes you.

"go where your heart takes you"...

those exact words have shown up in my life in different places at least nine times in the last 48 hours since we last saw each other and the whole mess unraveled. you lied; you lied without reason to lie and you hoped. more like expected me to forgive you. you are forgiven. so this is me writing it all out for you. writing it all out because you convinced me that it would make a world of a difference if it was out there. out there for the world to see, everyone but you.  for the last two days since everything unraveled, i have felt lost...a piece of me feels lost somewhere in between the lies and your feelings towards me and  for another all at the same time. i instantly closed myself off to you. the trust, it vanished as easily as it came to me all those years ago. i honestly, do not know if you meant the words that you whispered to me all last week or the thumb beats of "i love you" against my skin as you held my hand. everything feels clouded. i wanted to scream at you and be upset with you but i couldn't, not even now, two days later.

i've spent the last six years pouring out feeling after feeling towards you hoping and praying that you would feel the same. you loved me first, or so i was convinced by yourself as well as others so it was easy for me to  open up and let you in. i've spent the last six years chasing your laughter with butterflies in my stomach every single time you said my name or told me you loved me. i held your hand for the first time last week because it felt right, perfect actually, like it was meant to be entwined in yours not to make anyone jealous or hope for wrong things. i was going along with my feelings, as were you or so i thought anyway. things were through with your relationship, you informed me. so were rode it out for a week; sharing feeling after feeling until you couldn't lie anymore. i became the joke and the lie came spilling out of your mouth like vomit. you lied the entire week when you said that you two were over. you want and have feelings for both. the only thing is, your love made you choose who was worth it....i guess i wasn't...again.

you would  think that i would be pissed beyond all recognition and want to hate you. you would think that i would not want to have anything to do with you after this but i do. it's six years, six chaotic yet beautiful years of friendship among other things that i am terrified to lose. the thought of losing you makes me tremble inside. so to explain the first sentence of this blog....my heart has been leading me to stay. stay through all of the chaos and work on our relationship, whatever that may be. to brush past the pain (which is alot, not going to lie) and fear and move forward. yes, it may break my heart to see you with someone other than me. yes, i probably will get a little snappy sometimes. yes, i may not want to hear about certain situations because they are to hard for me to handle at this moment but  please do not think for a minute that i do not care. i may get irritated. i may cry and i may even tell you i miss you more often because i do. bare with me. not going to lie, i have been frustrated. i do not understand the point. i understand that you are confused and that things are so damned confusing for you right now. i just don't see how you can be in love with two entirely different people in general at the same time. i mean i kind of do, to an extent. i am just worried that at some point you will cut me out entirely. so i keep pushing forward, following my heart because i need you in my life like i need air. you are a huge part of my life and you may not believe me but i forgive you.