je ne sais pas

i thought that maybe things would be different this time...sure i expected the occasional up and down roller - coaster effect but i never expected things to rewind back to four years ago when i was completely empty and alone...it's like the last three years were just pretend or maybe i am just crazy and there was never anything to begin with...but i feel it, i feel it in my heart that it just isn't so. i know there is something more or so it keeps telling me but i keep getting let down over and over again. so what if it is true and i am loved, will anything come out of it? i say this because i keep getting my hopes up and believing in that miracle & over time the stabs get a little deeper when nothing comes of it...i don't want to be be alone forever, i can't be alone forever, it's already breaking my heart into pieces...i never even had a chance with you did i? you told me once that i did and i believed you but you said you would never hurt me; you lied...i  just wish that love was a never ending situation & that their were only beginnings. i need you, more than you need you, and i hate even saying that because i'm normally not a needy person. i just know that every day i am screaming inside that "i love you". one minute i'm convient and you want me around the next i am an inconvenience and you don;t want me around....therefore, the ignoring comes into play...because sometimes it is better when nothing is said at all. i get that, i do it to, but it hurts even more not having a clue of what you did wrong.