crazy little thing called love.

without suffering, there would be no compassion. without a lighter to light your candle, there will be no flame. no spark. nothing to initiate that adrenaline related emotion pulsating through your veins. without suffering, we would never realize what is the most meaningful to us in our lives, what we have lost or if there is any type of future related to the situation. it is almost always touch and go. should (i) take the risk? is it worth the potential downfall that it may bring? if i decide to jump, am i going to fall into your abyss of the unknown? if i trust in you, is there going to be an invisible knife attached to your hand behind your backside once again? if i see your face and your hands intertwined with another's am i going to cry one thousand tears for every broken promise and un-met expectation. probably. is it worth it? who know's. am i tempted? why, of course. there is not a moment that i would take back the time that i was forced to spend alone. losing someone that i love was one of the hardest things that i have been through so far. there was the question of, how could someone that declares their love for you and undying devotion to stay in your life just walk away? how could this person who know's your whole life story and can finish what you are going to say before you say it just leave without any explanation. putting everyone else before you. there just is not an explanation. it just happens. it breaks your heart. you want to cuss someone out. you want to punch a few walls. you want to hunt people down and scream in their face for pushing the one that you love away but you won't. you don't have the strength to do so. you also, do not have the heart to break the person that you love's heart. so you pretend to be happy. you pretend until it becomes real. months go by and each day get's a little easier. you don't have as much of an urge to pick up the phone and dial that number that you have memorized in your brain because you know that it won't fix the situation and you will just feel like crud if you just so happened to get an answer. at time's you may want to lay in bed all day with the blanket over your face and sob uncontrollably without interruption but you suck it up. you become a stronger person. wall's are built slowly, an incredible force to shield future pain. trust becomes a gift that you keep until someone truly deserves it. your time becomes more precious towards people who have been there through thick and thin. time in general just becomes more precious. & when you see that person again; it is a rush of emotions. it is like falling in love all over again. you will do anything and everything to protect this person. everything that happened. the knives in your back...well, they disappear and a weight is lifted knowing that you had enough strength to forgive. to let go and let God. you will do anything to keep that person in your life. you will even risk the thought that they may leave you again because none of it matters. you love this person and they may not love you the way that you want them too or they may not even love you at all but it is there and you will take suffering over losing them. even if it means being friends or not being as much of a part of their lives as you were. it is worth it. they can shatter every piece of your heart and you will find a way to bounce back. crazy little thing called love. therefore being said, without suffering there would be no compassion and if love was easy, it would not be worth the fight. .

got a right to be wrong

do you know right from wrong? do i even know right from wrong?...such simple questions that i have begun having a war within my mind over the past few weeks. is it wrong for me to want to be fully committed to someone who wants and enjoys to be with me also? is it wrong for me to want to rest my head on a trustworthy foundation that can outlive the cracks and mountains along the way? two weeks ago, it was so simple to answer these questions with "no". however, circumstances change in the flash of a second. people change within the flash of a second. hell, the world moves twice within a fraction of day.

here i was two weeks ago...maybe even a month ago ( i lost track of time) living comfortably numb to the fact that i didn't have someone who wanted to be with me. i did not have someone willing to fight for me if war ever decided to surface...that person chose to exit my life for a year straight without looking back, no explanations....just vanished. of course, vanishing, after the fact that i finally admitted that i loved this person too and was fully committed to working toward a future. it's kind of funny now...i chuckled a sad laugh here and there as i reminisced on the situation even if it did stab my heart. it was just me, myself, and i alone living life the only way that i know how. i put my heart into working over 40 hours a week and spending my weekends at home or doing stuff for other people. it just was easier that way giving myself away in a way that made me feel like i was something. if anything, important for a little while. i was able to forgive. i was able to move on with the thought that somewhere in the future another person would come along that exceeds the qualities of the person who walked out the door. maybe, this new person would even be the person that i would marry.

three weeks ago, my life changed...maybe for a moment or maybe forever. that person came back just when everything started to make sense...everything started to do a 360. this person came running at me with open arms and hugged the life out of me for a  few minutes.  in the snap of just one finger, every single ounce of feeling returned. the lies, the walking away, the happy moments...the memories, the ache of not being able to be together. even the trust returned. why, i don't know. it was always so easy to trust this person even if i should have not. it was a whirlwind of being elated and exhausted at the same time. it was such a peaceful reunion. then the nightly text lit up my phone with " seeing you again brought everything back...the feelings that i had and do have are still there".  mind you, this person has a significant other who now is intimidated by me and does not want my ex friend/potential lover around me. so this is me saying that i will walk away. i am not the type of person to interfere with relationship's. i do not believe in tearing any type of relationship apart. it is just not within me to not care. so here come's the "come here, go away" treatments. the "i don't want to lose you again's". the "i need you in my life...believe me's" and i am exhausted. exhausted that i let it come this far to even start wanting to break things up between them to spare an ounce of confusion to my mind again. exhausted of feeling like a ping pong ball tossed in the direction of "we can see each other on this day of the week" or this person making plans with me to bail to hang out with their significant other. can i just be a friend without having all of those fucked up feelings that tend to go along with it? yes, i can. i have already told this person that. i am okay with spending time with this person as friends. for one, it is all that i know of anyway and second, no i don't want to lose this person again. i never wanted to in the first place. however, is it wrong for me to want this person to want to spend time with me to? is it wrong for me to need this person to keep time open for us to be friends or whatever have you? is it wrong to just not want to hear the negative things about this persons significant other, consisting of how mean this person is to my "friend"? is it wrong to want to curb stomp every so often for this person to hate me without good reasoning? hello, if i wanted to ruin their relationship, i damned well could. i won't though. as i said, i am not that person.  so don't treat me like filth.

is it wrong to let this person in again? to share with them my inner workings and trust them with my soul? is it wrong for me to question how this person can honestly be with someone who won't even get to know me before passing judgement? i told this person that i would try,  to make an attempt to prove that i am not like the judgement being placed upon me. however, it is not wanted. why? what is there to lose?  i honestly, do not even know if i can answer these questions myself right now. i just wish that i had a "what to do? what not to do?" guide on this one so that i can spare both of us the headache of trying to make everyone happy.

keep warm darling's; until next time
- mandi

playdough

Best Playdough (I usually triple or quadruple this recipe and cook it in a large deep frying pan)

Combine in saucepan: 1 cup flour 1/4 cup salt 1 tsp. cream of tartar

Add and whisk until smooth: 1 cup water 1 Tbsp oil Food coloring (Cake decorators paste or liquid makes great colors)

Cook over medium heat until nearly playdough is nearly set. Add: 1 Tbsp. imitation vanilla extract

Stir until vanilla is blended, then remove and knead when cool. Store in Ziploc bag or air tight container.

Note: This is the best playdough recipe I have ever found. The vanilla extract seems improve the texture and adds a nice scent as well.

the damage is done and i forgive you

i have waited a very long time for this. for my words to spill out like velvet across a clean canvas without fear of knowing where they may lead me or who they might hurt.i have prayed religiously.  i have waited patiently for such a long time. so long, that years flew by and the world continued to circle around me while i was stuck, stuck in the same old routine, going nowhere. i waited patiently with everything that i have within side of me to cross path's with you again and be able to smile, forget the stand up's and the hours spent bent over with my hands on my cheeks as tears drenched my face, pouring out my soul, and to feel comfortable in my world surrounding you. here it is, just yesterday. that bliss that i never imagined in my life would come. there it was, your face lit up like christmas morning as i casually walked over to you and said "hello" without my heart pounding the pit of my stomach like an angry fist. we hugged and continued conversations that we had left off years ago, just like it was yesterday. you were my friend again and that was just that, you were my friend, not an interest anymore. it was so easy to forget the past, the lies, and everything that implies. it was easy to embrace the possible future with the knowledge that maybe we won't be as close as we were, maybe our friendship won't be forever, maybe it is here for a moment, eternally , or not at all but i can finally look at the future in my twisted mine, smile at you,  and say "it will be okay" with the help from God.

forgiveness, forgiving you, it was like taking my first baby steps all over again but instead of months it took years. one year led to three or four. i no longer keep count. i am finally able to love you in a different way, an easier way without looking back because i have forgiven you. it is like i took a breath of fresh air.  more importantly i forgave myself for letting it dwell in my heart for so many years and eat away at my soul. i forgave myself for losing who i was without the knowledge of knowing that i had done exactly that. lost myself somewhere in my candy coated version of you. somehow, seeing you again brought me back to reality, brought me back to myself. i was able to have  a conversation with you and laugh uncontrollably with you and your family once again which was something that i haven't done in a very very long time. i sat down and  i was able to create something beautiful for you. something new. something that i had never attempted to do before. it turned out better than i thought and i am so beyond ecstatic that you happen to love it too. i hope that it is something that you can treasure years from now if we happen to lose touch, go our separate ways or keep in contact. i hope that when you look at it, you remember yourself and our friendship that has gone through so many obstacles but led us closer together at the same time. i hope that at the end of the day, you can smile along with me and rejoice in the new as well.

slowly but surely, i have somewhat found my way back to myself through all of the turmoil, obstacles, and hard balls thrown in my direction with the help from God and a few friends that have helped me realize what has been missing and how to "let go and let God". i have found my way back to reading before bed. i used to love getting lost in a book and live the adventure's in my mind like they were my own. it is nice to have that extra thirty minutes of down town to just be myself without any interruptions or distractions. i have also found that it makes my day less stressful if i just let everything go and relax for five or ten minutes (that is pushing it)  before work every morning even if it consists of waking earlier. i have put more time into doing things that i used to love, like taking pictures and sipping lemonade on the front porch as the stars shine in the night sky. i have even been spending more time with people that i love and enjoying what new events have to offer me. i am not saying that i am doing one hundred percent better, but i am working on it. slowly but surely. i miss me and the puzzle pieces that helped create me.

on a parting note. i leave you with a song by kelly clarkson that fits what has been on my mind.


I forgive you, I forgive me
Now when do I start to feel again?
I forgive you, I forgive me
Now when do I start to feel again?

'Cause the lights are on
But I'm never home
But I'll be back with a brand new attitude
'Cause I forgive you

[chorus]
I forgive you
We were just a couple of kids
Trying to figure out how to live doing it our way
No shame, no blame
'Cause the damage is done
And, and I forgive you

I forgive you
We were busy living a dream
Never noticed the glass city falling in on us
No shame, no blame
'Cause the damage is done
And, and I forgive you

I forgive you, I forgive me
Now when do I start to feel again?
If I hate you what does that do?
So I breathe in and I count to 10

'Cause the lights are on
And I'm coming home
Yes, I am back with a new heart in my hand
'Cause I forgive you

[repeat chorus]

I forgive you
For every times that I cried
Over some stupid thing you did to hurt me
That's alright
Yeah, I forgive you

I forgive you
We were just a couple of kids
Trying to figure out how to live doing it our way
No shame, no blame
'Cause the damage is done
And, and I forgive you



- until next time, much love and sweet wishes to you all - mandi marie

gypsy soul, born for leaving

i miss writing. i miss spilling words like vomit onto a crisp white canvas. i miss knowing exactly how i feel in the moment and letting the words flow through my mouth like water from a faucet. it is insane, just how lonely it truly gets holding feelings in without having anyone or any way of spewing them out to make sense of all the mumble jumble clogging my brain. so i hold it in. i hold it in until some sporadic moment pops up causing me to shake, turn red, and blow words out of my mouth so fast that they cannot be determined as to exactly what just came out of my mouth and they flow through my fingers like lighting in a tornado. that is how i feel, like a tornado, most of the time waiting to erupt. waiting patiently for someone to give a damn. for someone to ask me how i am or what i have been doing. waiting for someone to even make small talk but it seems so rare these days.

but, i hate waiting almost as much as i hate being ignored. have you ever met that one person who right from the start, had the same interests, basically the same life story, and you clicked right from the start? that one person that you were so "tight" with, that people always questioned that you were sisters because you enjoyed being around each other? even though, you aren't? have you ever took a side turn and chose a semi different path for a few yards and lost that person and in one small fragment, you lost touch of everything that made sense to you? it is pretty insane, just how fast it can happen. one moment, you are sharing your deepest most darkest secrets and the next, you are walking past them on the street nodding and waving without a word. let me tell you, it hurts....like a punch in the gut after you have just engorged on the biggest meal of your life because you just want to get up off of your knees, gather yourself together, run after them and hug them. yet, your feet are glued to the pavement and nothing feels right anymore. you have lost a sense of who they are and what they have become. that person that you once shared your most vulnerable moments with, is no longer the person that you knew and you are no longer their number one confidante. so you stop, dead in your tracks, frozen. if you could turn back time, you would, just to make the sense of two souls as one linger a little longer. so here i sit bleeding my heart out on paper. time and time again. it is the only thing that hasn't left my side.

waiting is like watching the flame of a candle flicker....sideways...then straight....forward...backward...repeat for days until the wick is empty and there is nothing left to wait for. it is just gone. they are just gone...moved on in the world without you and you are there holding onto the pieces of what used to be, what could have/might have been. you are lost, in a cornfield maze of what happen's next.  it is a do " i give up on the person that knows me the most and find someone who doesn't know me at all" or do i just move on completely and drop everything? so that is when i become numb at that part there because there are so many good memories yet nothing to look forward to there. i have no friends. i live basically alone. i go to work, come home, shower, eat dinner alone, and go to bed alone. then, i wake up and start it all over again. there is no more phone calls, secrets being shared, or late night outings, just silence and a void of what once was. i'm not going to say that it doesn't hurt because it does hurt. it hurts like hell but at least i can say that i tried. that i still care. i still care that the bond is broken. i still care that tomorrow is another day and another possibility. i just hate waiting and most of all i'm so tired of fighting to keep friendships alive that it makes me sick to my stomach. for once, just once, can someone try....will someone fight to keep me? i am too tired to scream inside anymore so i write, i'm screaming it out on paper. maybe someday, you will read this, or take the time to notice. until then, i'll keep writing and keep the care lingering in my heart with the hope that someday soon there will be another kindred soul like you, if not you to venture into my life because i'm tired of being alone.

c'est la vie

this is about seven years old. i wrote it out of pure frustration obviously so don't mind the nasty - ness. :)


Dear so and so,

You’re like a cheap cigarette,
Harmful, Addictive, and Useless,
You’re following every new fucking fad,
Won’t you look so glamorous?
Residing as a whore in the slums of Paris,
Where only acquaintances know you for your short relationships,
And your designer fashion sense fits perfect.

I called you from Paris to tell you,
I love you as much as anorexia,
To the bone, hardcore, you’ve been eating me alive.
So tell me something clever,
Like you’ll never leave my side,
Because time has showed me, you fucking lie.

You used me; you used me to be strong.


You’re a story book tragedy,
Filled with betrayal, hatred, and revenge,
So tell me lies, say something clever,
Fill me up with revenge
& make me fucking hate you,
I’ll hate you more than ever.


I called you from Paris to tell you,
I love you as much as anorexia,
To the bone, hardcore, you’ve been eating me alive.
So tell me something clever,
Like you’ll never leave my side,
Because time has showed me, you fucking lie.


Just like Crimson and Clover,
Were over, it’s over, C’est la vie.

                                                                    Love,
                                                                    Yours Truly

psycho babble

there comes a time in life when you're friends discover they can do better.  a time when things just dont make sense and you have to accept the fact that you need to have faith in something better. there comes a time when you cant save every relationship, wipe away every tear, bring a smile to someones face...or do anything all  by yourself. there comes a time when you have to stop listening and helping others in order to save yourself. also a time when you just have to know within you're heart that time cannot heal everything and you are you're own best critique.

...........


I’m Over It
I’m ready, don’t stop, keep pushing me into this abyss of emotion called letting go.  Move along, moving on now…I’m done writing your book when the pages have all become twisted and bruised. I am done crayoning life into my own eyes, waiting for the days to become minutes and happiness to become hours. I’m ready for clocks to stop ticking for you, and for mine to begin.  Keep pushing, keep pushing me away, I’m ready to live, live for me and not for you.

............

Hide and Seek
I can imagine every inch of your face, take hold of your hand when you begin to fall, and pick you out of one million fallen stars and breathe you in with complete and utter completion. In dreams that is, these feelings we’re not empty, but cradled by arms of truth. As of a candle once brightly lit, the flame has long been disintegrated with a small breath of air. The emptiness was filled with illusion, once created to end all of the confusion. Silence has long filled the bright ray of sunshine, I once called myself. I filled the pain of losing the game the only way I knew how. Convincing myself, you we’re not my cause of frustration. But every night has been the same for years, I see you in the clouds, dancing in the pouring rain, in the shadows tracing my walls at midnight, and in my mind making me smile while I sleep. You’re here; you’re there, everywhere to me…  We’re playing hide and seek with my life, 1 2 3 ….10 ready or not here you come. 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1 I’m dying; losing strength…I won’t do this… I can’t let you love me unfaithfully….suck the breath right out of me. Boo you shout tearing at my heart strings. I want to kiss you, taste your lips of poison, breathe you, and love you once again…no…you have no use for me. I guess you’ve caught me where it hurts; all I ask of you is to close the door silently as you leave.  Boo, I whisper softly in my pillow case, I’ve finally woken up.

............

helplessly romantic

dancing around my room, hair brush in hand, screaming taylor swift at the top of my lungs. my phone rings and the dancing stops. i have about five minutes to get ready...so i run around frantically looking for something cute to wear. it is saint patrick's day after all. a green "a good luck charmer" shirt, trouser jeans, and zebra print sperry's is the final outcome. as i hop in the car, i  say "where are we headed"... as my friend informs me that it is a surprise. i hate surprises because they make me so antsy.  we pull into walgreens,  a cherry coke and some water, and we are on the road again.  we pull into a park and i am told to pick out a picnic table. so i pick the table under the shady pines with a view of the pond as the ducks are ducking their heads into the water grabbing fish. butts in the air and all. which draws my attention to them when my friend pulls out a picnic basket with strawberries, sandwich's, pretzels, and trail mix, and tells me that we are having a picnic at the park. just the two of us and ask's me if that is okay with me? of course, it is okay with me. i had never had anyone do something so thoughtful.  it is an 80 degree beautiful spring day with just the right breeze. we sat together in silence, looking out over the water at the people fishing on the other side, and ate our lunch. my friend then say's "do you want to walk?" so i said "sure, but where are we going?" and she said "you'll see". so we started out in this park area where kids and their families were swinging, sliding, and playing basketball until we came upon a dirt trail. she said "follow me"....i did as i was told. we started walking the dirt trail only to come upon a beyond beautiful wooded area with a narrow trail, park benches along the way, that looked like a scene out of the walk to remember book by nicholas sparks. it was beyond gorgeous as the breeze hit the trees, the colors magnified even more. we walked the trail for hours talking about everything under the sun and she stopped so that i could snap pictures here and there along the way. when we finished the 4 mile trail, we stopped to take it all in while sitting on a park bench for a few minutes. i asked "where are we off to next?" and she said "i have an idea".... so we hop into the car and head to another town. mind you, it took about thirty minutes to get there. she pulls into a library parking lot and tells me to pick out any movies that i would like to see or books that i would like to read and we sat at a table in silence for a couple of hours, taking everything in. it was so relaxing and peaceful. by the time we left, it was getting close to dinner time and we were both starved so she takes me to sonic, orders me popcorn chicken and tator tots with a cherry lime-ade, my favorite and we sat in her car and ate with the sunroof open watching the sun go down. then we headed to her house. i colored her hair and i laid on her sofa, she in the chair, as we watched movies until we both practically fell asleep. then she took me home. it was basically, the cutest, would be the most romantic day if we were in love and dating. i couldn't help but think on the ride home why can i not find someone who loves me as much as my friend if not more to date me. friend love, sometimes i think that friends know how to love truthfully without the contact part more than couples do. an amazing ending story, to a not so happy week. God, love her.

strawberry wine

"one restless summer we found love growing wild, on the banks of the river on a well beaten path, it's funny how those memories they last."

sometimes i wonder if you ever think of the warmth of our hands as we walked side by side admiring the flowers on the road the night that we met. the careless hours spent walking hand in hand pointing out the big dipper and the laughter shared when you spilt your milkshake down your shirt. if i close my eyes hard enough and dream now, i can still feel the wind blowing our hair and the intense rush of love that i felt for you in that exact moment. love, indeed it was...you never loved me like i loved you. for a year it didn't hurt to say that, not once. i built a wall of immunity the day you decided that i was not worth your time anymore. you walked away without ever looking back, not so much as a text to see how i was doing. for a year, it's been over a damned year...a year in which, i dreamed that maybe i was delusional. maybe, you would change your mind. maybe, you did in fact love me and long for the same things that i do. a whole year, a year in which life moved on without you. hard to believe, right? & out of the blue the texts start coming, the random "hi", the random "likes" on my facebook statuses that fueled the rage within me. really? with everything that we had been through. all you have to say is hi? and then the ignoring starts again when i say hi back. you got your fix. my number is still the same, now you know. not so much as a how are you? you never really were much of one to care about how others are though. still, that ounce of hope came rushing back for a second. does she want to be a part of my life now? does she stay up at night wondering who i am with and what i am doing? hold on here mandi, it was just a hi and so the strain continues life goes on as if i never existed to you as you haunt my mind at least once a day. only, it's different now. i don't wonder who you are with. i wonder how you are and can't get over the fact that a part of me will always love you. not just a part of you, everything about you until i am blue in the face. i constantly wonder if the next person that i love, will compare to the love i found in you...

all summer long, we were in - separable, running with the wind on our backs...


"My biggest fear was September, when{s} he had to go
A few cards and letters and one long distance call

We drifted away like the leaves in the fall
But year after year, I come back to this place

Just to remember the taste...

strawberry wine." - Deanna Carter

- MANDI

the best of me...

the best of me...
for the past three years i have put my nose in books and worked my way through college, frequent living situations, and put my mind to teaching for excessively long hours. long hours of dirty diapers,wiping noses, calming screaming infants, taking trash out, scouring kitchens, toilets, and other various places that most don't even think about. which you may wonder why i am rambling on about such insignificant descriptions but you will see why soon enough...you see four years ago, i met my first love. we spent countless hours together laughing, sharing our life stories,  and just being comfortable in each other's presence. you see, i had always been the type of person that kept to herself. i was wary of people and their intentions. i had been hurt before and i sure as hell did not want to put myself out there to be hurt again but this one was different. it only seem natural with this person to share even my deepest darkest secrets that no one has ever known about it. it was so easy to trust this person which is kind of funny coming from someone who has severe trust issues. but, words were like vomit, spewing from my mouth and this person always listened to me with eye contact like it was the most interesting story in their life until we grew apart, which was bound to happen right?  people are supposed to go their separate ways, in order to see if their love is true...or so i have heard from various different people...so i let it go, like this person wanted apparently...i moved on. i put all of my focus into my schooling and then later my job to take my attention away from the fact that something is missing from my life, something that brought out the best of me. after awhile, i just grew used to working and putting my mind elsewhere. so much, that i forgot about the gaping hole that seemed to reside in my heart for months at a time, then it went to a year...but every so often something would remind me of that person and i would pause and rewind to a moment when everything was perfect. then reality would set back in, this was not what that person wanted. so i put my free time into reading books, romance novels to be exact. Nicholas Sparks of course, being one of my favorite authors. it killed the time. my mind did not wander as much. my memories soon faded to nothing but just that, memories without a smile anymore

until today....

have you ever just had one of those moments where your breath became a knot in your throat, your
voice seized to exist and it felt like someone slapped you in the face with a vengeance? that is how i felt after i finished reading the book "the best of me" by Nicholas Sparks regarding two individuals who had fallen in love when they were young, separated for years, had separate lives and came back together for a funeral. only to realize that first loves are never really over. time can separate two people for decades, they can marry other people, have children, etc...but first true loves are never really over. even the slightest sight of that person can ignite the eternal flame and then you are doomed to spend eternity together...so the slap in the face. it happened when i mustered up the courage to look at this persons picture again. panic started rising in my chest and my hands are getting so clammy.  i want to cry, i want to scream, as all of the memories silently flood my mind. i just want to find this person and hold them after years of silence. the silence if anything, just made the feelings stronger. i want to let this person know that i have not been the same since we parted. the best of me is carried in the heart of them...and the next chapter of my "love" life will continued to be unwritten until we meet again.



unlike the characters in the book, when and if  that "love" returns someday in the future, i won't let it slip away. i will embrace it full throttle with the knowledge that distance makes the heart grow fonder and true love never fades away so embrace it while you have it and fight like hell to keep it.

with love,
- mandi

• 
  

the story of us

in the words of taylor swift; "i used to think that one day we'd tell the story of us, how we met and the sparks flew instantly and people would say we're the lucky ones. i used to know my spot was a seat next to you, now i'm searching the room for an empty seat because lately i don't even know what page you're on"...i used to fall asleep with a smile on my face knowing that my phone would ring at three a.m.; another drunk phone call to make laugh; another spilled secret that you would forget tomorrow. a truth, i should say looking back now. it's funny how stories change when people are sober. i remember attempting to cross that street and getting smacked in the stomach by your arm. you were protecting me from a truck that i didn't see coming my way. those were the days, and the five mile walk side by side back to your apartment when you reached over, picked a flower and said "this is for you beautiful". you see, i have never been what you call beautiful but you made me feel as though i was when i was with you. i'm not even sure why now. words were sharp, daggers were thrown in every direction, silently of course...you weren't much of a speaker after the truth came out. the calls, texts, heartfelt emotions that were ignored time and time again. i fought for three years with the hope that things would get better, i'd rather love than fight. the final blow hit me a few months ago. the last straw, it took that one tiny thing to snap me back to reality...as em would say "whoops there goes gravity".

it was that "what in the sam hill moment" that changed everything. it is easy now too think about the place where we first met when we were both to shy to say anything so we just sent signals to each other. it is easy to look back at those pictures and not feel a darned thing. it is easy to be thankful that i had those bad moments as well as the good, that led me to be a stronger person. it easy to hear about your life with someone else and the family that you are now creating and not feel an ounce of jealousy. it is easy to be happy for you. it is easy to go to bed at a decent hour and wake up without hoping for a phone call, a visit, or a text. it is easy to go to work and not think about what you are doing all day long.it is easy to ignore the pressure of people wanting me to smoke, wanting me to drink, and be something that i am not. it is easy to laugh out loud at a joke. it is easy to be free, to be me. it is easy to wish for the best for you and hope that we can remain friends.



"the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now...next chapter."

Happy New Year

"cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right" - Oprah Winfrey.

a clean slate; i started off this year in my grandma's empty house without taking a shot of whiskey or other various liquors that others were partaking in and  i ended up falling asleep before the ball even dropped. some of you might say that, this sounds kind of sad but in all honesty, it was refreshing. it was the first time that i have been to my home town to visit my family since my grandma passed. i thought that all of the memories, the happy times...would be non existent anymore. i was wrong, the house may have been empty but it felt like she was there and of course there were still pictures of my sister, brother, cousins, and i in old shoe boxes that haven't been gone through yet to remind me that even though she may be gone, the memories remain in my heart.

after spending a few hours going through pictures and a weekend of running around to visit my aunts and my brother, i was exhausted. i won't lie, but deep down as i went to get in the car to make the six hour drive back to Columbus, my heart sunk. i felt like every little piece of me that i had lost this past year and found again over one simple weekend home, was slipping away again...and it took my breath away. i sat there for a moment silently praying to God for an answer as to what i was supposed to do. i didn't want to leave but i knew that i had to make that six hour drive home, only to sleep for a few hours, then wake up to head to work at nine in the morning which never sounds appealing. so, i just sat there letting everything swirl around in my head, thought after thought. a part of me still feels as though i made the wrong decision. i should have stayed. it took every ounce of me to hold myself together while my brother's knee's were giving out on him over the weekend. his girlfriend went into early labor and they had to stop the contractions. i just felt like it was my place to be there, not only for them but for me too since last year was a whirlwind of emotion after grandma's death and kevin's surgery complications that may leave him paralyzed with all of the convulsions that he is having...

i kept telling myself, it's a new year, a new start. a new chance to get everything right.
last year may not have been our year but i am going to fight like hell to make this year better as much as i can.

Happy New Year Folks
FAITH CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS,
so cheers to a new year and a new chance for us to get it right. - Oprah