go where your heart takes you.

"go where your heart takes you"...

those exact words have shown up in my life in different places at least nine times in the last 48 hours since we last saw each other and the whole mess unraveled. you lied; you lied without reason to lie and you hoped. more like expected me to forgive you. you are forgiven. so this is me writing it all out for you. writing it all out because you convinced me that it would make a world of a difference if it was out there. out there for the world to see, everyone but you.  for the last two days since everything unraveled, i have felt lost...a piece of me feels lost somewhere in between the lies and your feelings towards me and  for another all at the same time. i instantly closed myself off to you. the trust, it vanished as easily as it came to me all those years ago. i honestly, do not know if you meant the words that you whispered to me all last week or the thumb beats of "i love you" against my skin as you held my hand. everything feels clouded. i wanted to scream at you and be upset with you but i couldn't, not even now, two days later.

i've spent the last six years pouring out feeling after feeling towards you hoping and praying that you would feel the same. you loved me first, or so i was convinced by yourself as well as others so it was easy for me to  open up and let you in. i've spent the last six years chasing your laughter with butterflies in my stomach every single time you said my name or told me you loved me. i held your hand for the first time last week because it felt right, perfect actually, like it was meant to be entwined in yours not to make anyone jealous or hope for wrong things. i was going along with my feelings, as were you or so i thought anyway. things were through with your relationship, you informed me. so were rode it out for a week; sharing feeling after feeling until you couldn't lie anymore. i became the joke and the lie came spilling out of your mouth like vomit. you lied the entire week when you said that you two were over. you want and have feelings for both. the only thing is, your love made you choose who was worth it....i guess i wasn't...again.

you would  think that i would be pissed beyond all recognition and want to hate you. you would think that i would not want to have anything to do with you after this but i do. it's six years, six chaotic yet beautiful years of friendship among other things that i am terrified to lose. the thought of losing you makes me tremble inside. so to explain the first sentence of this blog....my heart has been leading me to stay. stay through all of the chaos and work on our relationship, whatever that may be. to brush past the pain (which is alot, not going to lie) and fear and move forward. yes, it may break my heart to see you with someone other than me. yes, i probably will get a little snappy sometimes. yes, i may not want to hear about certain situations because they are to hard for me to handle at this moment but  please do not think for a minute that i do not care. i may get irritated. i may cry and i may even tell you i miss you more often because i do. bare with me. not going to lie, i have been frustrated. i do not understand the point. i understand that you are confused and that things are so damned confusing for you right now. i just don't see how you can be in love with two entirely different people in general at the same time. i mean i kind of do, to an extent. i am just worried that at some point you will cut me out entirely. so i keep pushing forward, following my heart because i need you in my life like i need air. you are a huge part of my life and you may not believe me but i forgive you.

train wreck

this morning..
you: "i'm in love with you. i don't want to lose you again. i can't. i did it once, i won't do it again. we will both be miserable. it will kill me."

this evening...
"i don't want to lose you or him. the last thing i wanted to do was break your heart again...i think that we need to let go of one another"

me: "do you really want us to let go of one another?"
you: "no, but i can't keep hurting you like this. give me two weeks to figure stuff out..."
me "no, you are doing it all over again. you are breaking up with me...aren't you?"
you: "i don't want to not talk to you. i don't think that i can not talk to you. i want us to still be friends"...
silence....you: "in 6 years i have never seen you cry until now"...as you start sobbing.


a silent car ride to your house...we walk up the stairs to get my stuff as you stand by the door sobbing. you didn't help me once. you stood there silent until i walked out of the door with my stuff.  in the car, silent....the wind shield wipers are going across the window at a lightning speed pushing the rain away...as tears stream down my face. "two weeks, i say" you nod...another ten minutes in the car, silent as i watch the rain through the window. i can hear you sobbing as we pull into my driveway...i hesitated  opened the door and stepped out into the rain. opened the back door, grabbed my stuff. said goodbye and thank you...and made the lonely trip into my house where i fell to my knee's as soon as i opened the door. sobbing like a child. i never thought that i would come this far. i  never thought that you would choose another relationship over our friendship. you promised me...you promised this time that you would stay. i didn't want this. i do not want this. i want to go back to last night when my head was in your lap as you were playing with my hair while watching a movie. i want to go back to yesterday's conversation. i want to start all over. i promise i would change things. i promise i would make it work even if it means having to spend time with him. i don't want this door to be closed again.