in the words of taylor swift; "i used to think that one day we'd tell the story of us, how we met and the sparks flew instantly and people would say we're the lucky ones. i used to know my spot was a seat next to you, now i'm searching the room for an empty seat because lately i don't even know what page you're on"...i used to fall asleep with a smile on my face knowing that my phone would ring at three a.m.; another drunk phone call to make laugh; another spilled secret that you would forget tomorrow. a truth, i should say looking back now. it's funny how stories change when people are sober. i remember attempting to cross that street and getting smacked in the stomach by your arm. you were protecting me from a truck that i didn't see coming my way. those were the days, and the five mile walk side by side back to your apartment when you reached over, picked a flower and said "this is for you beautiful". you see, i have never been what you call beautiful but you made me feel as though i was when i was with you. i'm not even sure why now. words were sharp, daggers were thrown in every direction, silently of course...you weren't much of a speaker after the truth came out. the calls, texts, heartfelt emotions that were ignored time and time again. i fought for three years with the hope that things would get better, i'd rather love than fight. the final blow hit me a few months ago. the last straw, it took that one tiny thing to snap me back to reality...as em would say "whoops there goes gravity".
it was that "what in the sam hill moment" that changed everything. it is easy now too think about the place where we first met when we were both to shy to say anything so we just sent signals to each other. it is easy to look back at those pictures and not feel a darned thing. it is easy to be thankful that i had those bad moments as well as the good, that led me to be a stronger person. it easy to hear about your life with someone else and the family that you are now creating and not feel an ounce of jealousy. it is easy to be happy for you. it is easy to go to bed at a decent hour and wake up without hoping for a phone call, a visit, or a text. it is easy to go to work and not think about what you are doing all day long.it is easy to ignore the pressure of people wanting me to smoke, wanting me to drink, and be something that i am not. it is easy to laugh out loud at a joke. it is easy to be free, to be me. it is easy to wish for the best for you and hope that we can remain friends.
"the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now...next chapter."
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Happy New Year
"cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right" - Oprah Winfrey.
a clean slate; i started off this year in my grandma's empty house without taking a shot of whiskey or other various liquors that others were partaking in and i ended up falling asleep before the ball even dropped. some of you might say that, this sounds kind of sad but in all honesty, it was refreshing. it was the first time that i have been to my home town to visit my family since my grandma passed. i thought that all of the memories, the happy times...would be non existent anymore. i was wrong, the house may have been empty but it felt like she was there and of course there were still pictures of my sister, brother, cousins, and i in old shoe boxes that haven't been gone through yet to remind me that even though she may be gone, the memories remain in my heart.
after spending a few hours going through pictures and a weekend of running around to visit my aunts and my brother, i was exhausted. i won't lie, but deep down as i went to get in the car to make the six hour drive back to Columbus, my heart sunk. i felt like every little piece of me that i had lost this past year and found again over one simple weekend home, was slipping away again...and it took my breath away. i sat there for a moment silently praying to God for an answer as to what i was supposed to do. i didn't want to leave but i knew that i had to make that six hour drive home, only to sleep for a few hours, then wake up to head to work at nine in the morning which never sounds appealing. so, i just sat there letting everything swirl around in my head, thought after thought. a part of me still feels as though i made the wrong decision. i should have stayed. it took every ounce of me to hold myself together while my brother's knee's were giving out on him over the weekend. his girlfriend went into early labor and they had to stop the contractions. i just felt like it was my place to be there, not only for them but for me too since last year was a whirlwind of emotion after grandma's death and kevin's surgery complications that may leave him paralyzed with all of the convulsions that he is having...
i kept telling myself, it's a new year, a new start. a new chance to get everything right.
last year may not have been our year but i am going to fight like hell to make this year better as much as i can.
Happy New Year Folks
FAITH CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS,
so cheers to a new year and a new chance for us to get it right. - Oprah
a clean slate; i started off this year in my grandma's empty house without taking a shot of whiskey or other various liquors that others were partaking in and i ended up falling asleep before the ball even dropped. some of you might say that, this sounds kind of sad but in all honesty, it was refreshing. it was the first time that i have been to my home town to visit my family since my grandma passed. i thought that all of the memories, the happy times...would be non existent anymore. i was wrong, the house may have been empty but it felt like she was there and of course there were still pictures of my sister, brother, cousins, and i in old shoe boxes that haven't been gone through yet to remind me that even though she may be gone, the memories remain in my heart.
after spending a few hours going through pictures and a weekend of running around to visit my aunts and my brother, i was exhausted. i won't lie, but deep down as i went to get in the car to make the six hour drive back to Columbus, my heart sunk. i felt like every little piece of me that i had lost this past year and found again over one simple weekend home, was slipping away again...and it took my breath away. i sat there for a moment silently praying to God for an answer as to what i was supposed to do. i didn't want to leave but i knew that i had to make that six hour drive home, only to sleep for a few hours, then wake up to head to work at nine in the morning which never sounds appealing. so, i just sat there letting everything swirl around in my head, thought after thought. a part of me still feels as though i made the wrong decision. i should have stayed. it took every ounce of me to hold myself together while my brother's knee's were giving out on him over the weekend. his girlfriend went into early labor and they had to stop the contractions. i just felt like it was my place to be there, not only for them but for me too since last year was a whirlwind of emotion after grandma's death and kevin's surgery complications that may leave him paralyzed with all of the convulsions that he is having...
i kept telling myself, it's a new year, a new start. a new chance to get everything right.
last year may not have been our year but i am going to fight like hell to make this year better as much as i can.
Happy New Year Folks
FAITH CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS,
so cheers to a new year and a new chance for us to get it right. - Oprah
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