angels in waiting.

i thought of you this morning when i woke and i didn't see your beautiful face and hear you telling me to "snatch up a cinnamon role before they were gone". i always thought it was amazing how you could wake up hours ahead to bake for your family before they even woke.i thought of you today.  i thought of you this morning and how you always smelt like jergens cherry almond lotion and chanel number five.  it was a flash back to last night when i wore a sweater of yours that still smelt like you...i knew you were there but sooo far away. it broke my heart for but a moment.  i thought of you this morning wishing that you were in heaven sipping coffee around a tree with your mother and loved one's past. i found a sense of comfort knowing that you are not alone...the pain lingered for a few seconds only to finish with a smile on my face because i know with all of my heart that you were doing exactly that. i thought of you celebrating Jesus's birthday up there among the clouds, drinking wine, and having a grand ole time. the one day of the year that your cheeks got red when you started to get a little tipsy.  i can picture you up there in heaven wearing a cooking apron baking a two layer birthday cake like you did for us every year on our birthday. i thought of you today when i saw a picture of two doves on a christmas tree. i thought of your funeral last week when the doves were released, the sun came out, they flew in a circle above your tent and flew off as an ora of peace circled our family. i thought of what we would be doing today if you were still here. we would be sitting in your living room around a tree with white lights flooded with ornaments from years past with our names and presence left upon them. we would all be waiting patiently for our turn to open our presents then head to church for the christmas service. it was always the most beautiful one of the year when the organ played silent night in a candle light vigil sort of service.  a service where we all circled around the church singing silent night with happy faces rejoicing the son of God's birth. i thought of you this morning. i thought of you last night as we drifted off to sleep without going to church. it was a whole new scene, a group of all new faces, when all i wanted was a sense of comfort, a sense of home. i thought of you five minutes ago, an hour ago, and a second ago too. i'll think of you tomorrow and the the day after that. not a day will go by that i won't look back at the memories and miss you. the future moves on and i'll forever carry a piece of you in my wallet, in photos, but most of all in my heart. i miss you....may those new found wings take you everywhere you were never able to go and more. i know that you are looking down on me from above and thanking me for saying "i love you"...well gramma "i thank you too" for everything including loving me.

i'll find comfort in those last words you said to me. fly away home gramma. you are free <3

you're still an innocent

"it's alright just wait and see your string of lights is still bright to me. oh, who you are is not where you've been...you're still an innocent".

when i was little; i was extremely afraid of the dark. heaven forbid all hell would break loose if you closed my door without a night light or some light source.  my biggest fear was the monsters coming out from underneath my bed or behind the door; attacking me and taking me away to their world.  a world of things not so sweet, dragons and vampires, among other goulish creatures. it was always such a silly thing to believe in ( monsters of all things ). you think that i would have been afraid of real life things like car accidents, earth quakes, or breaking a leg but i wasn't. a simple light could cure all anxiety, chase monsters away, and make me giddier than a kid in a candy shop.  if only everything was as easy as getting excited over the little things.

i thought monsters were the least of my problems until i came across the term "cancer". such a savage beast it is, claiming lives faster than the term can even be diagnosed. there is not a day that goes by that i do not think about the loved one's that this disease has claimed and pray for those who are fighting it like world war three with enough strength and hope that they will beat it to the ground. hope, we all have hope and faith that once we get older that those monsters will disappear, diseases will have cures, and hearts will never be broken. we dream big because we believe. we are innocent among a world filled with evil things. evil things that throw curve balls at our feet and we have to make like walker texas ranger and kick the shit out of it before it can take it's full effect within us. if those curve balls aren't thrown though we wouldn't be as strong as we are today...

we recieved the call today; this could be it, the last flickering remnants of a once vibrant flame. there may not be another second, another minute, another hour, another day, another night, another year to spill those i love you's and share memories around the christmas tree or holiday feasts. the light is burning out, slowly but surely. i don't know what to say. i don't know how i should feel.  at times i feel like i am okay with it. that i can let go and be happy because i know that there is a better place for her among the clouds and other moments when i feel as though my heart is being ripped out and placed in front of the world to stomp on. of course, everyone has their opinion on how i should feel, how i should act, and what i should say. "everything happens for a reason", "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". all words that i take to heart on a normal basis but sting like a bee these past few months.  i feel one million things all at once.  this candle of pure goodness is whithering away and i want to strike a match one million times just to keep the flame going. to keep you around, to say i love you one more time, to take you everywhere you were never able to go. to sit at the table with you and do a 5000 piece puzzle one more time and play pass the pigs until i can't see straight like we did when i was little. i want to bake cookies with you and stand on a stool one last time while you recite to me the directions. i want to ride in the car with you to church and listen to bette midler of all people, just to be able to be near you one last time when you were happy. i want to remember your smile when we tell you a joke. i want to remember you just like this...your heart of honesty. your heart of innocence. no matter where you go, go with all of your heart.

"it's alright just wait and see your string of lights is still bright to me oh"; your light will always be the brightest to me grandma no matter where you go, you'll always be shining in my heart. i love you