after every storm, there is a rainbow

good morning,
i fell asleep last night dreaming of wonderful things and woke up super early this morning with a smile on my face. these are always the best mornings, the ones where everyone is still snuggled into their beds dreaming while i am wide awake, snuggled under my covers with my favorite minnie mouse mug filled with caffeine beside me,  writing.  all is quiet and well. it is the type of quiet that gives you a sense of clarity, a sense of peace, even if the silence lasts a minute, the ease seems to last the entire day. if i look behind me, i can see through a crack in my blinds, it is raining. for some reason, i have always loved the rain and had a firm understanding that no matter what obstacles we go through on a daily basis, when it rains, it cleanses all of the bad things away and sets the stage for better things to come. go ahead, call me a goof ball. i know that it is coming.  it is good to believe in something right?

last night as i was sitting in a traffic jam on the freeway, i gazed out the window as raindrops formed ther perfect little circular form and slid down my window ever so slowly. to my right  the side of the road was clouded with peoples unwanted food particles, hair rollers, tossed out cigarettes after someone had taken their last puff, even disregarded underwear. all things that you would not normally ponder to be on the side of the road. if i looked ahead, i could see my mom in the drivers seat, her boyfriend in the passengers seat, the windshield wipers going "whoosh whoosh" as they swiped the rain from the glass with a vengeance and cars for miles ahead. we were on "e", i had to be in class to present a project in less than 20 minutes, her boyfriend kept saying "don't get gas, i can make it for 100 miles on e in my truck:" and my mom talking back " this isn't your truck, this is a car and it is decieving". i knew we were going to be sitting there in that same spot for at least an hour. it was my last ten dollars, a three hour drive all together, but i wanted my mom to be able to see her boyfriend so i gave her the money. normally, i might get a little agitated sitting in the car with nowhere to go....especially since i needed to use the facilities but i didn't, not even once. i sat there singing jason aldean's "my kind of party", reba's new hit "on the radio" and various other new country hits, bouncing around in the back seat just as happy as can be. i remember briefly my mom telling me that i was "crazy" . i believe i shook my head in agreement or something of the sort and giggled it off as i continued singing and gazing out the window. i kept thinking that, that very traffic jam was a symbol of everything that we have been through this year from my grandma being diagnosed with cancer, from being told that there is nothing that they can do, to almost losing our apartment, being so broke that we rarely ever have food, among various other obstacles.  we have been through alot but as i sat there gazing out the window for what seemed like hours, i realized that we never complained about it. we got through it together. we always found a way to get through it no matter what and just like that traffic jam, it rarely seemed to move, slowly but surely we made it through traffic even if it took two hours longer than it was supposed too.  i may have been 45 minutes late to class, may have almost missed my presentation, may have almost ran out of gas on the freeway and almost had a close call with being stuck in a not so great part of town at a not so great hour but i made it to class, i did my presentation, we made it to the gas station, and all was well. if that isn't a sign of something greater then, i do not know what is.

i'll end this blog with a song that has helped me realize a lot of things...
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
its okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
but don't run out on your faith

'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

it's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
while you siting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else...
oh it sure makes everything else seem so small
- Carrie Underwood

so when you feel like all hope is gone just remember that after every storm, somewhere there is a rainbow...
i hope that you all have a blessed day,
mandi marie

fighting on the battlefield of love

Tonight; I just feel the need to write, to write until all of the words are drained from my clouded mind of illusions. Today was a beautiful sunshine filled day; abnormally warm for November. It was the type of day that you would see in a movie: shades of orange, red, and yellow still glaze the tree's, while some have fallen and given that typical "fall leave" affect, most are still intact like fall hasn't even left Ohio. There were older couples walking hand in hand as they smiled at their dogs that were picking up leaves in their mouth and crunching every so often while other people could be seen sitting on iron bench's with their loved ones having conversations about their day’s events. I watched all of this in wonder, as I often do. I constantly wonder if I will ever have a love or friendship as true as that elderly couple; you know the ones whose eyes light up every single time their loved one's name is mentioned or that person walks in the room. You know, that reach for the stars, over the fence, World Series kind of love. A love that I know exists but has been too far for me to reach out my arms and grasp. I don't know what it is really, but every night I drift off to sleep dreaming about my days events, people that I have seen etc...and wake in morning only to day-dream about it again. it's sickening really, that I can't help but smile and be happy for those who do have that one person in their life who makes their heart beat faster and slower at the same moment; or maybe even more than one person. It is beautiful right? Or is it not? Sometimes I am so positive about things. More times than not, I know exactly what I want and need. However, there are other moments when I can't help but think "why was I so sure that this is what I wanted". it lasts for only a few seconds, but I can't help but question it further sometimes...because who stands there in front of someone waiting and waiting and waiting for them to show them some sort of affection, to be of some importance to that one person, or anything at all to them when it is obvious that they could care less? me, that is who...for some reason my mind tells my heart or the other way around that I need this person, that I cannot stop caring even if I tried...and so it goes...I keep giving and they keep taking and at the end of the day: I still feel as though every little crack and bump in the road with that person is worth it and nine times out of the ten, that pain given makes me love, want, and need their presence even more. Call me crazy; that is probably what you are thinking, maybe I am. Sometimes I just wish that I meant even half as much too some people as they mean to me. Is that selfish? Maybe so, I think everyone deserves to know that they are loved and cared for.

Today as I was watching movies from the eighties such as uncle buck, pretty in pink, and

footloose; i felt like a kid again. A little girl wearing pink pajama's, with her hair a mess, propped

in front of the TV grinning from ear to ear.  I watched them for the first time without the feeling

of envy over their perfect relationships. I was happy, happy for the characters, happy for me.

 I felt like I was a young girl again who was untouched by the cruelty side of love. A

girl who only knew that love was that hug before bed, the warmth of a parents hand as she

crossed the street and the "good morning" when she woke. I didn't think about being lonely,

having one million or more things to do this week, how I was going to pay the bills next month,

or the constant reminder that my grandma may not be here much longer. It was different, quiet,

innocent. I was relaxed. Honestly, I didn't know how good relaxation could feel. Of course, it

lasted but for a short period of time but I would not change it for the world. I actually started to

think that maybe, just maybe there is still hope for me.

As soon as the movie was over, I went back to my normal anxious self worrying about the house being clean enough, my homework being done to my liking, making sure the laundry was done, the dog was fed and let out, So I ran, ran around like a chicken with it's head cut off for a few hours. Now here I am, writing, writing because I have all of these things in my head that I don't express out of fear. Writing to make sense of some things and let go of others. Writing because I can't stand, not doing something. Writing because at times it is all I can do to keep myself from crying. Yes, I am stressed ninety nine percent of the time but that other one percent of the time is beautiful. I find comfort and joy in the slightest things. I dance and sing Taylor Swift at the top of my lungs into a hair brush at odd hours of the day. I dress up in silly hats and clothes to make people laugh in Wal Mart and various other places. I smile because it makes other people smile. I do things for others to make them laugh or to let them know that I care because I do care, more than anything. I love people. Someday I hope that people find me as worthy of love as I find them.

Goodnight Star Shines
- m.m.m.