Saturday, June 15, 2013
je ne sais pas
i thought that maybe things would be different this time...sure i expected the occasional up and down roller - coaster effect but i never expected things to rewind back to four years ago when i was completely empty and alone...it's like the last three years were just pretend or maybe i am just crazy and there was never anything to begin with...but i feel it, i feel it in my heart that it just isn't so. i know there is something more or so it keeps telling me but i keep getting let down over and over again. so what if it is true and i am loved, will anything come out of it? i say this because i keep getting my hopes up and believing in that miracle & over time the stabs get a little deeper when nothing comes of it...i don't want to be be alone forever, i can't be alone forever, it's already breaking my heart into pieces...i never even had a chance with you did i? you told me once that i did and i believed you but you said you would never hurt me; you lied...i just wish that love was a never ending situation & that their were only beginnings. i need you, more than you need you, and i hate even saying that because i'm normally not a needy person. i just know that every day i am screaming inside that "i love you". one minute i'm convient and you want me around the next i am an inconvenience and you don;t want me around....therefore, the ignoring comes into play...because sometimes it is better when nothing is said at all. i get that, i do it to, but it hurts even more not having a clue of what you did wrong.
what the fricken frack just happened?
it seems like everyone has their way of dealing with heartache. some people sleep on it with the belief that things will get better in the morning. they wake and drag their feet across the linoleum with fake smiles and giant mugs of coffee or liquor to get through the day. some people scream and shout and let it all out straight forward and feel guilty for being too harsh later on. all though, it is how they really feel. some people choose to ignore the pain; they let it sink back in their brain and let it leak out on a rainy day causing severe word jumble and misleading communication with the other person in the long. some people choose to shrug it off and let it eat them alive for months or years; in order to not cause problems...to not be a problem. these people, these people like me. no matter how many times i have been pushed over in the past two years, i always seem to bounce back like nothing happened. i take the bullets for you while you put them through me.
when you left the toxic situation that you were in to save yourself. i thought that maybe, just maybe...we could have the chance that you say that you've always dreamed about. a chance to finally be us without someone trying to take it away from us. a chance to let go of all the scrutiny for being who we are. to be able to walk next to you without your loved one making rude comments towards you and i. for once, in a really long time, i felt free...free from the chains that were holding me down as well as the ones that were holding you. it was nice for the five minutes that it lasted. i started to believe again, believe in myself, and believe in us. in less than twenty four hours, i watched as you gradually picked up pieces of yourself that you had lost for so long and for the first time i saw you really smile and it melted my heart. to see you do things that you love to do, just did it for me. to even just dance to a song on the radio brought back so much of yourself that was missing for so long. the person that i knew for all of these years was finally back and i got the chance to notice how much i truly missed you. throughout the last four days, i realized how much of myself that i had lost and just found over the last year as well. to be able to even sit next to you without being judged is a world of relief.
last night, a little of that relief changed. you started yelling at me for not being able to play a game correct. you reacted the same way that he responds to you...that scared the shit out of me & when you told me that you two started talking again and fear instantly struck my mind and latched my heart sucking my breath for a moment. my mind is telling me one thing but my heart is having a hard time trying to catch up. i cannot go through it again if it comes to that. i cannot be forced into your relationship without a helmet or a crash cart. i cannot be emotionally battered for both of us having feelings for one another. it is not fair on either party. i do not want to be the bad friend who cannot control her feelings and is forced out of your life...we both know it will get that far. it has before. no one should ever have to make a decision like you did. a decision that no matter what there is no win win. it hurts always being the one who walks away with a broken heart because you know that i won't leave you even if you asked me too. i'm petrified of losing you again. i know that you say that i won't but when it comes down to that...you have given me up twice to save your relationships. maybe, i don't mean as much to you as you say that i do...i have no clue...i just wish that you could talk to me but i understand that you can't physically bring feelings into words. i get that. i've been there. i guess what i am trying to say is that my biggest fear is losing you again.
i expect you to be sad, to lose your shit a little. i expect you to scream and shout and curse the ground you walk on. i even expect you to shut people out a little. your relationship was a huge part of your life for eleven months. i never expected you to take it lightly. no one ever would. it has been five days since you two broke up and you have come back into your own so much. five days and he has already had his mom suck you back in, in order for him to be sucked back into your life. i just hope it is for the better this time. no one deserves to be treated the way that you were treated. i don't care how old, how smart, how big you are. no one deserves to be shoved across the room and belittled for the thoughts that cross their mind. no one deserves to be lied too on any occasion. no one deserves to be forced not to eat because their loved one does not want to eat at a specific place or to find their loved one's ex's underwear in their bedroom drawer...just saying.
yes, maybe i am a little angry...confused more than anything. upset, yes. happy for you, definitely. i don't want you to have to go through that all again. i know it's your decision and i have no part in it. i just hope that you make the best ones for you in the long run.
goodbye for now my dear bloggers,
mandi
when you left the toxic situation that you were in to save yourself. i thought that maybe, just maybe...we could have the chance that you say that you've always dreamed about. a chance to finally be us without someone trying to take it away from us. a chance to let go of all the scrutiny for being who we are. to be able to walk next to you without your loved one making rude comments towards you and i. for once, in a really long time, i felt free...free from the chains that were holding me down as well as the ones that were holding you. it was nice for the five minutes that it lasted. i started to believe again, believe in myself, and believe in us. in less than twenty four hours, i watched as you gradually picked up pieces of yourself that you had lost for so long and for the first time i saw you really smile and it melted my heart. to see you do things that you love to do, just did it for me. to even just dance to a song on the radio brought back so much of yourself that was missing for so long. the person that i knew for all of these years was finally back and i got the chance to notice how much i truly missed you. throughout the last four days, i realized how much of myself that i had lost and just found over the last year as well. to be able to even sit next to you without being judged is a world of relief.
last night, a little of that relief changed. you started yelling at me for not being able to play a game correct. you reacted the same way that he responds to you...that scared the shit out of me & when you told me that you two started talking again and fear instantly struck my mind and latched my heart sucking my breath for a moment. my mind is telling me one thing but my heart is having a hard time trying to catch up. i cannot go through it again if it comes to that. i cannot be forced into your relationship without a helmet or a crash cart. i cannot be emotionally battered for both of us having feelings for one another. it is not fair on either party. i do not want to be the bad friend who cannot control her feelings and is forced out of your life...we both know it will get that far. it has before. no one should ever have to make a decision like you did. a decision that no matter what there is no win win. it hurts always being the one who walks away with a broken heart because you know that i won't leave you even if you asked me too. i'm petrified of losing you again. i know that you say that i won't but when it comes down to that...you have given me up twice to save your relationships. maybe, i don't mean as much to you as you say that i do...i have no clue...i just wish that you could talk to me but i understand that you can't physically bring feelings into words. i get that. i've been there. i guess what i am trying to say is that my biggest fear is losing you again.
i expect you to be sad, to lose your shit a little. i expect you to scream and shout and curse the ground you walk on. i even expect you to shut people out a little. your relationship was a huge part of your life for eleven months. i never expected you to take it lightly. no one ever would. it has been five days since you two broke up and you have come back into your own so much. five days and he has already had his mom suck you back in, in order for him to be sucked back into your life. i just hope it is for the better this time. no one deserves to be treated the way that you were treated. i don't care how old, how smart, how big you are. no one deserves to be shoved across the room and belittled for the thoughts that cross their mind. no one deserves to be lied too on any occasion. no one deserves to be forced not to eat because their loved one does not want to eat at a specific place or to find their loved one's ex's underwear in their bedroom drawer...just saying.
yes, maybe i am a little angry...confused more than anything. upset, yes. happy for you, definitely. i don't want you to have to go through that all again. i know it's your decision and i have no part in it. i just hope that you make the best ones for you in the long run.
goodbye for now my dear bloggers,
mandi
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