do you know right from wrong? do i even know right from wrong?...such simple questions that i have begun having a war within my mind over the past few weeks. is it wrong for me to want to be fully committed to someone who wants and enjoys to be with me also? is it wrong for me to want to rest my head on a trustworthy foundation that can outlive the cracks and mountains along the way? two weeks ago, it was so simple to answer these questions with "no". however, circumstances change in the flash of a second. people change within the flash of a second. hell, the world moves twice within a fraction of day.
here i was two weeks ago...maybe even a month ago ( i lost track of time) living comfortably numb to the fact that i didn't have someone who wanted to be with me. i did not have someone willing to fight for me if war ever decided to surface...that person chose to exit my life for a year straight without looking back, no explanations....just vanished. of course, vanishing, after the fact that i finally admitted that i loved this person too and was fully committed to working toward a future. it's kind of funny now...i chuckled a sad laugh here and there as i reminisced on the situation even if it did stab my heart. it was just me, myself, and i alone living life the only way that i know how. i put my heart into working over 40 hours a week and spending my weekends at home or doing stuff for other people. it just was easier that way giving myself away in a way that made me feel like i was something. if anything, important for a little while. i was able to forgive. i was able to move on with the thought that somewhere in the future another person would come along that exceeds the qualities of the person who walked out the door. maybe, this new person would even be the person that i would marry.
three weeks ago, my life changed...maybe for a moment or maybe forever. that person came back just when everything started to make sense...everything started to do a 360. this person came running at me with open arms and hugged the life out of me for a few minutes. in the snap of just one finger, every single ounce of feeling returned. the lies, the walking away, the happy moments...the memories, the ache of not being able to be together. even the trust returned. why, i don't know. it was always so easy to trust this person even if i should have not. it was a whirlwind of being elated and exhausted at the same time. it was such a peaceful reunion. then the nightly text lit up my phone with " seeing you again brought everything back...the feelings that i had and do have are still there". mind you, this person has a significant other who now is intimidated by me and does not want my ex friend/potential lover around me. so this is me saying that i will walk away. i am not the type of person to interfere with relationship's. i do not believe in tearing any type of relationship apart. it is just not within me to not care. so here come's the "come here, go away" treatments. the "i don't want to lose you again's". the "i need you in my life...believe me's" and i am exhausted. exhausted that i let it come this far to even start wanting to break things up between them to spare an ounce of confusion to my mind again. exhausted of feeling like a ping pong ball tossed in the direction of "we can see each other on this day of the week" or this person making plans with me to bail to hang out with their significant other. can i just be a friend without having all of those fucked up feelings that tend to go along with it? yes, i can. i have already told this person that. i am okay with spending time with this person as friends. for one, it is all that i know of anyway and second, no i don't want to lose this person again. i never wanted to in the first place. however, is it wrong for me to want this person to want to spend time with me to? is it wrong for me to need this person to keep time open for us to be friends or whatever have you? is it wrong to just not want to hear the negative things about this persons significant other, consisting of how mean this person is to my "friend"? is it wrong to want to curb stomp every so often for this person to hate me without good reasoning? hello, if i wanted to ruin their relationship, i damned well could. i won't though. as i said, i am not that person. so don't treat me like filth.
is it wrong to let this person in again? to share with them my inner workings and trust them with my soul? is it wrong for me to question how this person can honestly be with someone who won't even get to know me before passing judgement? i told this person that i would try, to make an attempt to prove that i am not like the judgement being placed upon me. however, it is not wanted. why? what is there to lose? i honestly, do not even know if i can answer these questions myself right now. i just wish that i had a "what to do? what not to do?" guide on this one so that i can spare both of us the headache of trying to make everyone happy.
keep warm darling's; until next time
- mandi
