gypsy soul, born for leaving

i miss writing. i miss spilling words like vomit onto a crisp white canvas. i miss knowing exactly how i feel in the moment and letting the words flow through my mouth like water from a faucet. it is insane, just how lonely it truly gets holding feelings in without having anyone or any way of spewing them out to make sense of all the mumble jumble clogging my brain. so i hold it in. i hold it in until some sporadic moment pops up causing me to shake, turn red, and blow words out of my mouth so fast that they cannot be determined as to exactly what just came out of my mouth and they flow through my fingers like lighting in a tornado. that is how i feel, like a tornado, most of the time waiting to erupt. waiting patiently for someone to give a damn. for someone to ask me how i am or what i have been doing. waiting for someone to even make small talk but it seems so rare these days.

but, i hate waiting almost as much as i hate being ignored. have you ever met that one person who right from the start, had the same interests, basically the same life story, and you clicked right from the start? that one person that you were so "tight" with, that people always questioned that you were sisters because you enjoyed being around each other? even though, you aren't? have you ever took a side turn and chose a semi different path for a few yards and lost that person and in one small fragment, you lost touch of everything that made sense to you? it is pretty insane, just how fast it can happen. one moment, you are sharing your deepest most darkest secrets and the next, you are walking past them on the street nodding and waving without a word. let me tell you, it hurts....like a punch in the gut after you have just engorged on the biggest meal of your life because you just want to get up off of your knees, gather yourself together, run after them and hug them. yet, your feet are glued to the pavement and nothing feels right anymore. you have lost a sense of who they are and what they have become. that person that you once shared your most vulnerable moments with, is no longer the person that you knew and you are no longer their number one confidante. so you stop, dead in your tracks, frozen. if you could turn back time, you would, just to make the sense of two souls as one linger a little longer. so here i sit bleeding my heart out on paper. time and time again. it is the only thing that hasn't left my side.

waiting is like watching the flame of a candle flicker....sideways...then straight....forward...backward...repeat for days until the wick is empty and there is nothing left to wait for. it is just gone. they are just gone...moved on in the world without you and you are there holding onto the pieces of what used to be, what could have/might have been. you are lost, in a cornfield maze of what happen's next.  it is a do " i give up on the person that knows me the most and find someone who doesn't know me at all" or do i just move on completely and drop everything? so that is when i become numb at that part there because there are so many good memories yet nothing to look forward to there. i have no friends. i live basically alone. i go to work, come home, shower, eat dinner alone, and go to bed alone. then, i wake up and start it all over again. there is no more phone calls, secrets being shared, or late night outings, just silence and a void of what once was. i'm not going to say that it doesn't hurt because it does hurt. it hurts like hell but at least i can say that i tried. that i still care. i still care that the bond is broken. i still care that tomorrow is another day and another possibility. i just hate waiting and most of all i'm so tired of fighting to keep friendships alive that it makes me sick to my stomach. for once, just once, can someone try....will someone fight to keep me? i am too tired to scream inside anymore so i write, i'm screaming it out on paper. maybe someday, you will read this, or take the time to notice. until then, i'll keep writing and keep the care lingering in my heart with the hope that someday soon there will be another kindred soul like you, if not you to venture into my life because i'm tired of being alone.

c'est la vie

this is about seven years old. i wrote it out of pure frustration obviously so don't mind the nasty - ness. :)


Dear so and so,

You’re like a cheap cigarette,
Harmful, Addictive, and Useless,
You’re following every new fucking fad,
Won’t you look so glamorous?
Residing as a whore in the slums of Paris,
Where only acquaintances know you for your short relationships,
And your designer fashion sense fits perfect.

I called you from Paris to tell you,
I love you as much as anorexia,
To the bone, hardcore, you’ve been eating me alive.
So tell me something clever,
Like you’ll never leave my side,
Because time has showed me, you fucking lie.

You used me; you used me to be strong.


You’re a story book tragedy,
Filled with betrayal, hatred, and revenge,
So tell me lies, say something clever,
Fill me up with revenge
& make me fucking hate you,
I’ll hate you more than ever.


I called you from Paris to tell you,
I love you as much as anorexia,
To the bone, hardcore, you’ve been eating me alive.
So tell me something clever,
Like you’ll never leave my side,
Because time has showed me, you fucking lie.


Just like Crimson and Clover,
Were over, it’s over, C’est la vie.

                                                                    Love,
                                                                    Yours Truly

psycho babble

there comes a time in life when you're friends discover they can do better.  a time when things just dont make sense and you have to accept the fact that you need to have faith in something better. there comes a time when you cant save every relationship, wipe away every tear, bring a smile to someones face...or do anything all  by yourself. there comes a time when you have to stop listening and helping others in order to save yourself. also a time when you just have to know within you're heart that time cannot heal everything and you are you're own best critique.

...........


I’m Over It
I’m ready, don’t stop, keep pushing me into this abyss of emotion called letting go.  Move along, moving on now…I’m done writing your book when the pages have all become twisted and bruised. I am done crayoning life into my own eyes, waiting for the days to become minutes and happiness to become hours. I’m ready for clocks to stop ticking for you, and for mine to begin.  Keep pushing, keep pushing me away, I’m ready to live, live for me and not for you.

............

Hide and Seek
I can imagine every inch of your face, take hold of your hand when you begin to fall, and pick you out of one million fallen stars and breathe you in with complete and utter completion. In dreams that is, these feelings we’re not empty, but cradled by arms of truth. As of a candle once brightly lit, the flame has long been disintegrated with a small breath of air. The emptiness was filled with illusion, once created to end all of the confusion. Silence has long filled the bright ray of sunshine, I once called myself. I filled the pain of losing the game the only way I knew how. Convincing myself, you we’re not my cause of frustration. But every night has been the same for years, I see you in the clouds, dancing in the pouring rain, in the shadows tracing my walls at midnight, and in my mind making me smile while I sleep. You’re here; you’re there, everywhere to me…  We’re playing hide and seek with my life, 1 2 3 ….10 ready or not here you come. 10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1 I’m dying; losing strength…I won’t do this… I can’t let you love me unfaithfully….suck the breath right out of me. Boo you shout tearing at my heart strings. I want to kiss you, taste your lips of poison, breathe you, and love you once again…no…you have no use for me. I guess you’ve caught me where it hurts; all I ask of you is to close the door silently as you leave.  Boo, I whisper softly in my pillow case, I’ve finally woken up.

............