for the past three years i have put my nose in books and worked my way through college, frequent living situations, and put my mind to teaching for excessively long hours. long hours of dirty diapers,wiping noses, calming screaming infants, taking trash out, scouring kitchens, toilets, and other various places that most don't even think about. which you may wonder why i am rambling on about such insignificant descriptions but you will see why soon enough...you see four years ago, i met my first love. we spent countless hours together laughing, sharing our life stories, and just being comfortable in each other's presence. you see, i had always been the type of person that kept to herself. i was wary of people and their intentions. i had been hurt before and i sure as hell did not want to put myself out there to be hurt again but this one was different. it only seem natural with this person to share even my deepest darkest secrets that no one has ever known about it. it was so easy to trust this person which is kind of funny coming from someone who has severe trust issues. but, words were like vomit, spewing from my mouth and this person always listened to me with eye contact like it was the most interesting story in their life until we grew apart, which was bound to happen right? people are supposed to go their separate ways, in order to see if their love is true...or so i have heard from various different people...so i let it go, like this person wanted apparently...i moved on. i put all of my focus into my schooling and then later my job to take my attention away from the fact that something is missing from my life, something that brought out the best of me. after awhile, i just grew used to working and putting my mind elsewhere. so much, that i forgot about the gaping hole that seemed to reside in my heart for months at a time, then it went to a year...but every so often something would remind me of that person and i would pause and rewind to a moment when everything was perfect. then reality would set back in, this was not what that person wanted. so i put my free time into reading books, romance novels to be exact. Nicholas Sparks of course, being one of my favorite authors. it killed the time. my mind did not wander as much. my memories soon faded to nothing but just that, memories without a smile anymore
until today....
have you ever just had one of those moments where your breath became a knot in your throat, your
voice seized to exist and it felt like someone slapped you in the face with a vengeance? that is how i felt after i finished reading the book "the best of me" by Nicholas Sparks regarding two individuals who had fallen in love when they were young, separated for years, had separate lives and came back together for a funeral. only to realize that first loves are never really over. time can separate two people for decades, they can marry other people, have children, etc...but first true loves are never really over. even the slightest sight of that person can ignite the eternal flame and then you are doomed to spend eternity together...so the slap in the face. it happened when i mustered up the courage to look at this persons picture again. panic started rising in my chest and my hands are getting so clammy. i want to cry, i want to scream, as all of the memories silently flood my mind. i just want to find this person and hold them after years of silence. the silence if anything, just made the feelings stronger. i want to let this person know that i have not been the same since we parted. the best of me is carried in the heart of them...and the next chapter of my "love" life will continued to be unwritten until we meet again.
unlike the characters in the book, when and if that "love" returns someday in the future, i won't let it slip away. i will embrace it full throttle with the knowledge that distance makes the heart grow fonder and true love never fades away so embrace it while you have it and fight like hell to keep it.
with love,
- mandi
