" this world keeps spinning faster into a new disaster so i run to you"
have you ever felt off balance, not yourself, like you are teetering on the right hand side of the eiffel tower facing towards the arch de triumph fighting with all of your might to keep your balance? the goal being: do not fall off! so you keep telling yourself to grip the steel harder, to breathe, to slow down and find that one song in a million that you can hum and all of your troubles just fade away to the image of that one person, that one particular person who makes you feel at home within their heart. i know that i have, i do feel that way. over the past three weeks i have felt out of my element, procrastinating and putting aside things that are dear to my heart which is very much unlike me. i am that one person "betty home - maker" as one of my friends jokingly calls me on a daily basis: that one person who arrives at places fashionably early, finish's assignments three days ahead, and does not make promises that i do not intend to keep. if i tell you i'll be there for you, i'll be there whenever you need me no questions asked...
however, this past week assignments have been put off, phone calls have been ignored, and my anxiety has raised by at least fifty percent. i feel like there is not enough time in the day to be that human robot that everyone expects to be prim and proper with a smile on her face one hundred percent of the time. i am human and i do have emotions. i am hurt, scared, and lost. i have never grieved this bad before in my life and that scares me. i don't want to go to school and work on one billion assignments that will never be as important to me as you were. i don't want to put on make - up and pretend that i am okay. i don't want to hear "i'm sorry"...it does not help the situation... those words they are just a reminder that you are gone and it breaks my heart all over again. i've lost a piece of myself somewhere between thanksgiving and the week before christmas. a piece of myself that i may never get back. a piece of myself that i shared with you. i am a lot like you. it is a piece, a missing piece, a piece of me that i know you'll eternally carry within your heart.
so i text that one person today, the one who can hum any tune right along with me and make me feel like i have a friend in the world. i asked her if i could ask her a question. she said yes, of course. i asked her if she ever felt like she was out of her element, like she had put things aside that she loved because she was hurt that led her to have a lack of motivation. she said yes. although, she barely said anything but one word, a smile came across my face for the first time in at least a few days. i started humming to myself... when this world keeps spinning faster into a new disaster, i run to you. i run to you. --- and you run to me. you are a true friend and i love you for it.
“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” - greys anatomy
-- mandi
