it makes me want to take a back road.

Sit in that six lane backed up traffic
Horns are honking, I've about had it
I'm looking for an exit sign
Gotta get out of here, get it all off my mind
And like a memory from your grandpa's attic
A song comes slippin through the radio static
Changing my mood, a little George Strait 1982

Chorus
And it makes me wanna take a back road
Makes me wanna take the long way home
Put a little gravel in my travel
Unwind, unravel all night long
Makes me wanna grab my honey
Tear down some two-lane country, who knows
Get lost and get right with my soul
Makes wanna take, makes me wanna
Take a back road
- Rodney Atkins


so some of you may be wondering why i am using a song for yet another entry. it may seem silly, but you will understand why in a few moments i promise.


sitting at a dead stop in four lane traffic, horns are honking non stop. flairs are placed on the road, damn it, it looks like another accident. i have just about had it with this city traffic and with people flipping me the bird, showing that i am number one, for driving safely. when my favorite song comes on the radio, changing my mood, i bust out in song, the cars in front of me start moving, and i make it to work fashionably early.  it is just another day, breathe in, breathe out. everything will be okay. it has only been two hours, already there is infant throw up on my shirt, a toddler has pooped through their clothes and down their leg, i have cleaned up after two meals, i have washed at least one hundred and thirty dishes, mopped the floors, and taken out a lifetimes worth of trash.  when i have just about had it and am ready to pull my hair out, that Taylor Swift song spews over the radio causing a spasm in my legs and my heart giving me the adrenaline to dance. it is addicting, really. here i am five minutes later on my knees doing a puppet show to see the contagious smiles on those little baby jack o lanterns faces as we all dance to the locomotion and "baby dance and play" cd's that you go home singing for days. which, can get rather annoying but it makes you smile because the kids love them. i can take another six hours hours of this no problem however, the fun doesn't last long when fifteen toddlers are fighting over who had what toy first, one is pushing another, one has tripped while running to get a toy etc...after the thirtieth diaper change reaction and getting poop on my latex gloves, among other things, like in this Rodney Atkins song, it is moments like those when i am looking for an exit sign, a five minute stretch to get away and get it all of my mind, only to get an inkling to pull out the stickers and see the illumination on the kids faces when they get to pick out a flower, spider man, star, or smiley face sticker. to find refreshment in hearing a baby giggle while another runs over with their arms in the air to pick them up for a hug or hands me a toy to play with them. it melts my heart. it is moments like these that take away the stress and it is all worth it. i just want to stay longer, take a back road, and scoop every little monster up and hug them all. moments like these happen consistently throughout the day. they are the rainbow that comes after the storm every single day that makes me love my job and not mind sitting in traffic every day to make it there on time to see those happy faces. let me tell you, i don't have any trouble getting to sleep at night anymore. i am about half way exhausted before i even eat dinner. crazy, but true, i love every minute of my semi chaotic full of random excitement, caring, loving, life.


i hope that everyone has a refreshing labor day free of work, loaded with love and fun.
love, mandi

topsy turvy: a whirlwind of directions

your tide has changed. it feels as though, we are moving in two entirely different directions. you act like i have a choice in the matter, when your actions prove that you have made your decision.  you are spinning every which way, lost in everyone else's eyes. while my planet is like my feet are planted in the same spot that we first met at, while the world moves all around me. all i ever wanted was you. it is different, new, loved from a distance...that is all it will ever be. me loving from afar and you walking into someone else's arms. i'm done. let's just go our separate ways and if we meet again some day, i will smile to myself and know that what i have felt was and is true.

half of my heart has a grip on the situation; half of my heart takes time.

" this world keeps spinning faster into a new disaster so i run to you"

have you ever felt off balance, not yourself, like you are teetering on the right hand side of the eiffel tower facing towards the arch de triumph fighting with all of your might to keep your balance? the goal being: do not fall off! so you keep telling yourself to grip the steel harder, to breathe, to slow down and find that one song in a million that you can hum and all of your troubles just fade away to the image of that one person, that one particular person who makes you feel at home within their heart. i know that i have, i do feel that way. over the past three weeks i have felt out of my element, procrastinating and putting aside things that are dear to my heart which is very much unlike me. i am that one person "betty home - maker" as one of my friends jokingly calls me on a daily basis: that one person who arrives at places fashionably early, finish's assignments three days ahead, and does not make promises that i do not intend to keep. if i tell you i'll be there for you, i'll be there whenever you need me no questions asked...

however, this past week assignments have been put off, phone calls have been ignored,  and my anxiety has raised by at least fifty percent. i feel like there is not enough time in the day to be that human robot that everyone expects to be prim and proper with a smile on her face one hundred percent of the time. i am human and i do have emotions.  i am hurt, scared, and lost. i have never grieved this bad before in my life and that scares me. i don't want to go to school and work on one billion assignments that will never be as important to me as you were. i don't want to put on make - up and pretend that i am okay. i don't want to hear "i'm sorry"...it does not help the situation... those words they are just a reminder that you are gone and it breaks my heart all over again.  i've lost a piece of myself somewhere between thanksgiving and the week before christmas. a piece of myself that i may never get back. a piece of myself that i shared with you. i am a lot like you. it is a piece, a missing piece, a piece of me that i know you'll eternally carry within your heart.


so i text that one person today, the one who can hum any tune right along with me and make me feel like i have a friend in the world. i asked her if i could ask her a question. she said yes, of course. i asked her if she ever felt like she was out of her element, like she had put things aside that she loved because she was hurt that led her to have a  lack of motivation. she said yes. although, she barely said anything but one word, a smile came across my face for the first time in at least a few days. i started humming to myself...  when this world keeps spinning faster into a new disaster, i run to you. i run to you. --- and you run to me. you are a true friend and i love you for it.



“The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” - greys anatomy

-- mandi