let's make wishes out of airplanes...

hello darlings; i hope life is treating you well. 

when i was younger; i always used to sit outside by the side of the road and watch the airplanes fly thousands of miles above me with happy eyes. i always had this silly fantasy that someday, and somehow my fairytale person would come and sweep me off of my feet: taking me away from the monsters under my bed, the screaming oogie boogie man that i lived with; and so many other childish creatures that one is afraid of. it was always a silly dream; but i had hope; and i believed in it more than anything. so every single night; i would send wishes to those airplanes with hope that the planes would carry my secrets away from that heart shaped box and plant them inside of the heart that could treasure them, but more importantly the heart that could treasure me as much as i treasure them. the heart that could take over  the moon, dance on the stars, wishes on 11:11's, and airplanes. the heart that believes that valentines day is the best holiday ever; the heart that would sit and watch movies with me for hours, hold my hand when i am sick, would let me cook for them and not argue with me for spending money on them, the heart that lets me spoil the crap out of them and everyone that they love; the heart that  is beautiful without a stitch of make-up on, who loves to laugh and can be caught dancing around like a fool in the kitchen singing their favorite song, who isn't afraid to be barefoot or to get their feet wet; who dreams beyond their vision, who lets me play with their hair and doesn't get mad when i take too long in the store,the one who isn't afraid to share their feelings; who isn't afraid to get mad, who believes in me more than i believe in myself. the one who can act completely country and whip out a knife to open a bottle cap and then sing indie, rap, or even heavy metal at the top of their lungs in the car. that person who never forgets where their heart and home is. the one who isn't afraid for me to take their hand and take on the world together.

it was always a silly dream; one that i thought that i had let go of many years ago. however, last night as i was standing outside looking at the stars, i started to search out those airplanes. (it is kind of ironic because we do not live that far away from the airport). i stood there, watched them take off, and fly like they were weightless; so beautifully. after i watched three or four fly until they were out of my view, one unexpected person came to mind: one whole hearted, honestly "good" person that match's all of those dreams above and exceeds them : i started to think that if the rest of the world walked out and that one person was there for me, if that one person loved me; i wouldn't have to send those wishes anymore. i would be okay, happy even. then, i started to think that maybe i am crazy because that person could never feel the same, i barely know that person, but i feel at home when i am around them and i've never felt so safe. so then i started freaking out; i started telling myself that i probably shouldn't think that way but there i was sending that same damn wish towards the sky, in hope that maybe this could be true; maybe this person could be the one wish that wasn't a mistake....

if only i let the wish back in, let it be true;: if only this perfect person wasn't interested in someone else. you see, that is the way that it works: these silly wishes, they always come when people are free, i set them free towards the sky in hope that they will reach that free kind hearted individual that i would do anything for and i'll be damned if they do not just fly right past and land into the heart of another who captures my kind hearted individual, who tortures their innocence,  and turns them into something else, someone else. that is when my beautiful kind hearted individual becomes that monster under my bed. the one thing; i would do anything within my heart and soul to protect them from. so last night i sent my wishes with a prayer, a simple prayer so true to my heart...three simple words and i smiled to myself as i sent my wish to the airplanes and believed for once that it may just reach where it is supposed to go

with love, mandi <3

i didn't know it then but i know it now; he was saying i love you the only way he knew how.

good afternoon bloggers,

"He checked the air in my tires , the belts and all the spark plug wires. Said "When the hell's the last time "You had this oil changed"? And as I pulled out the drive. He said "Be sure and call your mom sometime" and I didn't hear it then but I hear it now. He was saying "I love you" the only way he knew how" - Bucky Covington.  you may wonder why i started this blog off with a song yet again; but i promise you will understand by the end of it.  when i was young; "i love you" was something my brother, sister, and i never heard. it was just three words reserved for special occasions and of course something you only said if you meant it deeply. therefore, there were no "goodnight princess or prince; i love you" moments as it reached seven thirty p.m. and we trudged down the hall into our bedrooms to say our prayers and drift off to dream land. the exact words were just "go to bed, if you know what is good for you"... our "father" has the hand of a hard worker and he used it to his advantage, callases and all; we knew better than to do anything remotely close to annoying to make him angry or we knew that belt across his waist would be used for a purpose. therefore, we grew up never really knowing how to express our feelings, how to show someone that we love them, it is possible that we never really even learned what love was until we were set free and on our own.

as i am sitting here thinking back to my first day of kindergarten. that five minute walk down the sidewalk with my pink backpack full of crayons and folders seemed so heavy as i trudged my way to school. one hand being held by my big brother, the other hand holding a purple barbie lunch pail full of gummy sharks. there were no pictures taken by our dad, no parent even there to walk me to school or visit the classroom...so i walked, walked with my brother, as tears streamed down my face; my heart was broken...i didn't want to go school. i remember telling my brother that i would be made fun of because my eyes were crossed and i had to wear those stupid glasses that took up half of my face. he took me by both hands, stood in front of me, wiped my tears and said "it'll be okay sis; i got this"...as the day went on i slowly started to get aquainted with people and thought to myself "hey this isn't so bad" until we got to recess. my brother was on the opposite end of the playground pretending to ignore me with his friends so i played in the sandbox alone until one of the older kids started bullying me, making fun of my holey jeans, cheap shoes, and of course my glasses.  i walked myself over to the swing, sat on it and cried and cried and cried. i remember feeling like it was the worst moment of my life until out of the corner of my eye i see my brother dragging a kid by his ear towards me saying "is this the boy who made fun of you?". i sniffled and shook my head yes, as my brother informed the boy that he better apologize and leave me alone forever more.  of course, the boy was shaking in his shoes; but he never bothered me again and my brother trudged back to his friends pretending to hate me, like he so often did. from that day forward my brother became my hero, i looked up to him for everything, i followed him everywhere even if he tripped me, called me names, made me cry, or threw soft balls at my face. i was his sidekick...he was my haven.

from then on he was the fixer of the scraped knees, the tattle tailor, the you hide, i won't seek player, the cheater of monopoly, the picker of the most hideous cars for my sister and i too jokingly drive when we were older, the informer to be home before dark, the person who made us different colored french toast and did our hair before we went to school. the one who made sure we ate, who made sure we matched, who threw cars at us, pretended to hate us, took us school shopping, played rain tapes, yes rain tapes to drown out the screaming of our father as we tried to sleep, our human alarm clock, the one who gave us our medicine and made sure our dad took us to the doctor when we were sick, the boy who dropped his friends to hold my hand on the first day of school so that i wouldn't have to be alone. he is the man my father never could live up to, the man who never ever let us go without the things that we needed even now.

so as i have went on to tell you about this story, you are probably thinking why is she writing about this...anyway, the past few months things in my life have went downhill....there were times when i didn't have anyone to count on, times when i did, and others when i felt like the only way to truly get things in order was to be completely alone. as i am sitting here alone on this friday afternoon; i am thinking about all of the things that have been happening lately...from being discouraged from learning how to drive by my mom, not having a phone, not knowing if i'll have a place to live tonight or even tomorrow, wondering how i am going to pay my bills, what is going to happen if this and this continues etc...i keep thinking back to this one day, not so long ago, when my brother came to visit. he handed me the keys to my car, said "get in; i'm going to show you how to drive" and that is exactly what he did...he had me drive around the complex for hours showing me where the break was, how to check my oil, when to turn on the lights, what mile per hour to go on certain roads, etc... until it was "too dark" as he put it. so i pulled into the driveway with a smile on my face. not only was i learning how to drive, my brother of all people was willing to teach me... he also offered me a place to stay, always, and five dollars to put in the tank incase it was used. he once again was there in my time of need, my unselfish, hero.

the next day he took me to auto zone to make sure that the check engine light that beamed across my dashboard was nothing serious seeing as he just put a new belt in (of course, he wasn't worried about me as he put it...just wanted to make sure all of the hard work he did worked right), he told me to pick out new rims for ronnie (my car), picked up some air conditioning free-on or whatever it is called,  and we hopped in the car to make our way back home. a ride in which he asked me "what color do you want ronnie to be?" i told him pink jokingly. he didn't say anything at first just hummed to himself as we eased our way closer to home he said "pink huh? pink it is...now make sure you aren't hard on the breaks, make sure to have the oil changed every three months" and so on...he knew i had no clue about car stuff, i'm a chick....i don't care what my rims look like etc...of course, he made a point to tell me that he was just worried about the car because he knows how hard my mom is on the breaks etc...

but before he left that day; heading back to new york, where he lives;  "he checked the air in my tires, the belts and all the spark plug wires. said "when the hell's the last time "you had this oil changed"? and as i pulled out the drive. he said "be sure and call your brother sometime" and i didn't hear it then but i hear it now. he was saying "i love you" the only way he knew how", as he pulled out of the driveway that day i said "i love you". he looked at me with a shocked expression on his face and for the first time in my life i heard the words "i love you too little sis"....i knew then, like i know now, that he will always be not only my big brother and my hero but the closest thing to a father that exists.

everytime i hear this song now on the radio; all i can think of is my brother, and his unselfish ability to be my hero and the greatest person i know.

--with love, mandi